blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new
sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks
down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to
the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she
says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't
know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when
I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want
you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the
screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer.
She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think
about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes
into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you
have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the
three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about
forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack.
They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work
overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't
making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one
off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having
trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch
them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would
So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a
terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out
of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it
down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the
shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
Mom! I have something very important to tell you. I am getting married to
the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is
Susan. After supper, George's dad took
him aside for a little chat. "Son, I have bad news for you," he
confessed. "When I was young I used to fool around with women a lot, and
Susan is actually your half sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was terribly broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. And a year later he came home and very
proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
about this." There was nothing left but for George to feel so much
anger and grief.
He decided to see his mother about his problems. "Dad has done so much
harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl's my half sister." With
tears in her eyes and with so much hesitation, his mother said, "George,
don't pay any attention to what your dad says. You see, he's not really
Willem and Frank are killed in a plane wreck.
When they arrive in Hell, the devil greets them and takes them to 2
cottages on a lake.
The devil takes Willem to the first cottage, opens the door, and
there's Pam Lee waiting in bed.
Willem runs in.
Then the devil takes Frank to the second cottage, opens the door, and
Rosanne Barr is waiting in bed!
Frank turns to the Devil and says "hey, what's the deal?"
The devil says "You're in hell, that's your punishment!"
Frank says "But what about Willem, he got Pam?"
The Devil says "Oh, that's Pam's punishment"
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside.
He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big...almost as big as the gas
grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed, saying,
"yep, that thing is getting huge." At this the wife retreated to the far
side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the
width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making
moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said,
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for ONE LITTLE
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an
exceptionally gorgeous and sexy
young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take
his eyes away from her. The
young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly
toward him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one
condition." Flabbergasted, the man
asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to
tell me what you want me to
do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a
moment, withdrew his wallet from
his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand. He
looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance she explained that she
was recently divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for
company. The clerk explained that the
name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did
not stock cats, dogs, fish or any
commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which
might be ideal.
He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium and
pointed proudly to a large
bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered scornfully,
"I hardly think an amphibian would be a suitable companion!" "Ah,"
replied the salesman
leering...."but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to
perform oral sex upon women."
At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a
price of $500 for the frog and left
with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble
bath, poured a glass of
champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly
mellow, she dried herself and
arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting her thighs she placed
the frog between them, closed her
eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still
She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to
perform. No response. After an
hour of this frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk
answered, she complained loudly
that she had been cheated! The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down
her address, and said he'd be
Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered,
wearing a nightgown. He asked
her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming
her former position with the
frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?" she asked
petulantly. "Yes, I do" said the
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he
said, "Now I'm only going to show
you this one more time!"
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would
like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a
dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The
owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a whorehouse
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
about this, but decided she had
to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.
The pet shop owner sold her the bird
and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to
say something. The bird looked
around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The
woman was a bit shocked at
the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours
later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit
offended at first, but than began
to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband, George, came home from
work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new
whores... same old faces. Hi
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag
in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to
take the 3 million dollars that
she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she
said that she wished to meet the
president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved.
After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar
bills which could have amounted to
$3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it
that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and
she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business
with on a more personal level. The
president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of
money "was it inheritance?" he
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where
she could have come into $3
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different
things with people. All of the sudden
she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your
balls will be square".
The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet.
He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very
careful. He decided to stay
home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure that everything was
There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went
to work and waited for the
little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that
this would be a good day, how
often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office.
With her was a younger man. When
the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she
informed him that he was her lawyer and
that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell
you this," he replied, "but I'm
the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his
She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure
enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head
against the wall. "What's wrong
with him?" the president asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this
morning that I would have the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary. The old
man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has
always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the
rest of our children. Now I want to
assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for,
and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did
he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for moment and then
confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had
expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell
the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says: "You."
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Aioria - The Gold Saint Leo