Blonde & farmer boys A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Only one employee Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

Guy wanted to get married One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have something very important to tell you. I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After supper, George's dad took him aside for a little chat. "Son, I have bad news for you," he confessed. "When I was young I used to fool around with women a lot, and Susan is actually your half sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was terribly broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. And a year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June. Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." There was nothing left but for George to feel so much anger and grief. He decided to see his mother about his problems. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl's my half sister." With tears in her eyes and with so much hesitation, his mother said, "George, don't pay any attention to what your dad says. You see, he's not really your father."

Punishments in hell Willem and Frank are killed in a plane wreck.
When they arrive in Hell, the devil greets them and takes them to 2 cottages on a lake.
The devil takes Willem to the first cottage, opens the door, and there's Pam Lee waiting in bed. Willem runs in.
Then the devil takes Frank to the second cottage, opens the door, and Rosanne Barr is waiting in bed!
Frank turns to the Devil and says "hey, what's the deal?"
The devil says "You're in hell, that's your punishment!"
Frank says "But what about Willem, he got Pam?"
The Devil says "Oh, that's Pam's punishment"

Husband & wife A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big...almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed, saying, "yep, that thing is getting huge." At this the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for ONE LITTLE WEINER"

Wise man A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

The frog & the woman An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance she explained that she was recently divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked. The woman answered scornfully, "I hardly think an amphibian would be a suitable companion!" "Ah," replied the salesman leering...."but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to perform oral sex upon women." At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself and arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting her thighs she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated! The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming her former position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?" she asked petulantly. "Yes, I do" said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now I'm only going to show you this one more time!"

The parrot & the woman A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, George, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... same old faces. Hi George!"

Old lady & bet A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet" she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

The truth at last A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

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Aioria - The Gold Saint Leo