Dating in the New Millenium

For those of you who may be considering returning to the single life.

This is something I came across quite a few years ago. At first it was Dating in the 80's. Then it becameDating in the 90's, now it is Dating in the New Millenium. I still laugh when I read this so I hope you enjoy it too. I have no idea who wrote this, if anyone does, please let me know.

Dating -It's Causes and Cures

Dating is a social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion. Most dating results from lingering guilt about masturbation. Of course, no one has any religious or ethical guilt about masturbation any more. But people DO feel guilty for not being more sucessful. They believe that if they were more sucessful they would have someone to handle their genitals for them and would not have to do it themselves.

Very sophisticated people masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of privacy, thrift, hygiene, and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible sexual partners. But even more important, they masturbate for philosophical reasons. It is an ethos of modern life that before you are able to love others, you must first love yourself. And what's love without sex ?

Who Should NOT Date

Polite dating is generally accepted in society, but there are some people who should refrain from doing it publicly. Recent widows or widowers should not take a date to the funeral.
Its important for old people to date because the rest of us are disgusted at having to think of them in bed together.

And people who just married are really not supposed to date anyone but their new mate for a few weeks at least. But although its rude for a bride to cheat on her husband, it would be equally rude to make her feel bad about it. Remember the famous example of the hostess whose guest mistakenly drank from the finger bowl. The hostess picked up a finger bowl and drank also. Be the same way. If your new wife is fucking someone else, make her as comfortable as you can by fucking that person too.

Meeting People

The first consideration in dating is whom to date. "Pick-ups" -social engagements with total strangers, often initiated in bars -have gone completely out of style. Partly this is the result of the new popularity of torture murders and partly the result of the AIDS fad.

The fashionable person to date nowadays is someone you have known for years and somehow neglected to sleep with during the promiscunity hysteria of the last two decades. You'll have a lot in common with this person. One thing you'll have in common is trying to figure out if maybe you DID sleep together and both forgot it. Then you can talk about all the people you've both slept with and compare notes. And when you've exhausted those two subjects, you can even actually fuck.

Men generally, pay for all expenses on a date. (Exceptions are made if the women is uncommonly rich or ugly). Either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarreness of the sexual request to be made later that evening. Telling the difference between accepting these gifts and performing an act of prostitution is not a problem, as there is no difference.

Sex is, of course the only point to dating. But you should not rush right into it. Do not, for instance, grab ahold of your date at the door and start fondling her breast in front of her parents. This makes it look as though you are not successful enough to have sex with anyone in a long time, and that will lower your prestige in her parent's eyes. Instead, talk to your date's parents and fondle them a bit before you leave.

In a more modern situation, where your date's husband, rather than her parents, is present, you can go right ahead and feel her breasts. It will give him something to masturbate over after you've left.

Making a Date

Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now, dates tend to be made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, "If anyone asks, I was out to dinner with you last night, okay ?"

Some dates are still made in advance, of course. But it is no longer necessarily the man who does the asking. It is now considered perfectly proper for a women to ask a man out on a date. It is not , however, considered proper for a man to refuse because he has to wash his hair. Not unless his blow dryer really is broken.

Dates are still canceled the same way they always were: which is, at the last possible moment. But it happens more often than it used to. Our society has become increasingly affluent. Therefore the probability of someone better than you coming along has improved.

Where to go on a Date

One of the problems of with dating in the 1990s is that all the interesting places to go on a date have disappeared due to excessive hipness. It's no use going to a movie or play. Our society has become too hip to accept such naive concepts as simple good and bad. But, without simple good and bad, it's very hard to construct a proper drama or comedy. And, since our musicians are unable to tell good drugs from bad drugs, they're all dead, so we can't go to concerts either. With no good guys to root for, the excitement of sporting events has moved into the realms of finance and union negotiations.

That leaves the circus, and what with the confused debate about whether its bad to exploit wild animals, many circuses have been reduced to exhibiting trained laboratory rats and putting men into cages filled with pigeons.

But sex without any socializing first is tantamount to treating people like objects. People shouldn't be treated like objects. They arn't that valuable. So you have to go someplace before you fuck. And that place is usually dinner.

Having dinner before sex serves several important purposes. It gives you a chance to reconsider and masturbate after all. A lot of people are better imagined in your bed than found there in the morning. You can also use dinner table conversation to politely discover the sex preference of your date or, for that manner, your date's sex.

When should a man get an Erection

When ever it becomes clear that a date is moving to its natural conclusion, it is then polite for a man to begin having an erection. There is no better compliment that a man can pay. To be courteous, however, a man refrains from getting an erection during kissing until the kisses have passed from the closed-mouth "buss on the lips" to the open-mouth or "French" style.

A man gets a slight or salutory erection when he strokes the breast or buttocks of his date. He should get a full erection whenever his date purposely touches his genitals. If there is a dance floor at the restaurant, a well bred man gets an erection during close dancing but not during fast dancing when he and his partner are separated and an erection would stick out and spoil the lines of his suit.

Erections are perfectly proper when seated at the table, but a man should lose it immediately when he gets up to go to the bathroom. Otherwise it will look as if he has someone waiting in there. An erection in the car or taxi cab after dinner is considered very good manners. And a polite man always gets an erection during sex.

Sex on the First Date

According to all the rules of etiquette, after dinner you are free to screw. But in most places it's considered good form to leave the restaurant (not everywhere). Either partner may initiate sex by saying, "Let's go someplace and fuck". Or, if he or she is shy, by saying ,"Let's go someplace and have a drink and then fuck".

For those readers who do not remember, normal sex consists of the women spreading her legs and the man inserting his penis into her vagina (located midway between the anus and the tan line). The man moves his hips up and down until one or the other partner calls it quits. This is most easly done with at least some clothing removed.

Try to avoid any horrible noises or weird smells during the first sex. Fat people should use baby powder so that their stomachs don't make bus-horn noises when they slap together. It's good manners to leave your date with the most attractive possible memories of the first sexual encounter because, in our society, the first sexual encounter is usually the last.

Dating Pitfalls

The most serious dating pitfall is that the person you date may contact an infatuation for you. Infatuation is much more dangerous than love or marriage. Modern marriages are happy, casual affairs, easily entered into and easily gotten out of. Modern love of one person for another is so rare that it hardly presents a problem. But now that love and marriage are no longer serious emotional concerns, infatuation is forced to bear the freight of all the human psyche's pathetic needs, drives, tensions, and energies. As a result we have been turned into an entire society of fourteen-year-olds with crushes on our gym teachers. But, with the physical and financial freedom of adulthood at our command, we are able to harass that gym teacher much worse than we could in junior high.

Again we return to John W. Hinkley as a cautionary example of a person in whom modern manners have run wild. It's bound to be an embarrassment to have someone shoot the President on your account. It can even be a very considerable annoyance to have them move in with you and rearrange your dresser drawers.

If you fear your date is becoming infatuated with you, what you should do is fart, as loudly as you can, in his or her immediate proximity. It is almost impossible for someone to retain an idealized, dreamy conception of you when you've just blown the slip covers off the furniture and killed all the pets.

More Sex -if you Must

Sexual variations used to be considered impolite, for fear that the servants might walk in on the middle of them. It was thought that if the lower classes ever discovered the more exotic forms of sexual coupling, that's all they'd do and nothing would ever get done around the house. Which is exactly what has happened. Nothing gets done around the house or anywhere else these days because the lower classes are all out dressing up in garter belts, watching mud-wrestling matches, and giving each other enemas.

Very civilized people still consider sexual variations to be slightly rude. Normal intercourse and customary caresses should be enough if you are really in love with your sexual partner. But since no one is, sexual experimentation and even out right perversion have gained a sort of general social acceptance like using the same size glasses for red and white wine.

Unusual Positions

There are any number of positions from which the sex act may be accomplished. Most of them are polite if the physique bears exposure at that angle, and none of them are rude with the lights off. Among sophisticated people, unusual physical positions of the partners are not considered very exciting. Favored instead are unusual social positions. A wealthy and celebrated forty-five-year-old movie actress and a seventeen- year-old boy who parks cars at Ma Maison -that's considered exciting in Beverly Hills. On the other hand, middle-class people find this disturbing. When the actress and the car jock start to write, produce and direct movies together, middle class people are disturbed that they pay five dollars to see the results.

Oral Sex

Oral sex is currently very trendy. It is even preferred to the regular kind. It is preferred because it's the only way many of us can get our sex partners to shut up.

There are a few rules of common courtesy that should be observed during oral sex:

: Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

: Fellators may swallow or not swallow as they see fit but should not get cute about it. Spit-takes are the province of Danny Thomas, and the idea of Danny Thomas performing oral sex is not something polite people care to dwell upon.

: Now that you've had a good look at your partner's genitals, it's only courteous to make a compliment on their appearance, texture, etc. Restrict quantitative complements to men, however. "You have a big cunt" is not considered flattery by most women.

Vanishing Sex Acts

A number of old-fashioned sex acts, while still correct, have fallen into disuse. This is a shame. Such practices as the dry-hump had undeniable charm. It allowed a women to investigate a man's erectile abilities without actually getting all his clothes off and putting him in a position where he felt obligated to do something he could not with all the resultant dull small talk about how this happens to everyone. Visa and MasterCard made dry-humping obsolete. Easily available credit cards killed the notion of saving up to get something you want thus the concept of deferred pleasure was eradicated in our society.

Without deferred pleasure there is no petting either. Modern couples just strip their cloths off and go at it. Besides credit cards, there is also ex-President Nixon's decision to let the U.S. dollar float in relation to other western currencies to blame for this. More than a decade of monetary instability has conditioned people to utilize their assets immediately. If the sex urge is not spent forthwith, it might degenerate into something less valuable -affection, for instance.

Kissing, of course, is no longer a sex act -what with total strangers thrusting their tongues down your throat by way of casual greeting. Kissing in sex is now used only to show your partner that you are so overcome with lust that no part of his or her body is disgusting.

Despite lobbying by the dry cleaning industry and the manufactures of spot removers, the hand-job is also gone. It's hard to understand why the hand-job, with its very modern detached, impersonal character, has disappeared from use. Perhaps it's because jacking people off is done so much over the phone these days.

Mutual Masturbation

The modern version of the hand-job is for one or both partners to masturbate while the other looks on.


Given the current amount of public sexuality, the great problem with exhibitionism is how to make anyone notice you're performing it. Hint: A customized, stretched, cream and lavender Cadillac limousine with blacked-out window glass is bound to be larger and more attention getting than your penis.

Anal Sex

The best way to get fucked in the ass is to conduct your business dealings in a disingenuous, forthright, and thrusting manner. Many people, however, do not possess the wherewithal or social connections to be involved in the business world. They are reduced to going to discotheques, all-male bath houses, or joining the "Y".

Cross Dressing

Some heterosexual men occasionally don panty hose and bra in the privacy of the bedroom, but, in general, straight men have kept a lower profile about their urge to cross dress. Mostly they've limited themselves to puttering around the house in bathrobes and using lots of chap stick when they go skiing.

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should wear anything they haven't yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.

That's the end to Modern Manners, I hope you have enjoyed reading it.

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