Couples counselling, Toronto & Scarborough by Beth Mares

Psychotherapist Beth Mares helps married and unmarried couples with communication, sexual intimacy, infidelity, family problems, etc. as well as relationship enrichment for middle-aged couples and secular marriage preparation.

"I really enjoy working with relationships--whether it's seeing the relief and delight in a couple who have turned an unsatisfying, sour or stormy marriage into a fulfilling relationship that is built to last, or helping a couple to forestall all that unhappiness by helping a relationship before it gets seriously off track."   Beth

FAQ

How marriage counselling with Beth works

Typically the couple is seen together, then each partner is seen individually before another joint session; however, some prefer to start with an individual session. For some couples, most of the work is done in individual sessions.

Beth can work more intensively if required; however, if you want very intensive marital therapy or Imago relationship therapy, check out relationship therapist Nancy Ross, also in East Toronto (at Danforth and Broadview.)

Marriage Preparation

We explore the relationship and the context to search for warning signs of any problems the relationship might face in the future. We also discuss how to tell when a problem is developing, how to handle it, and when to seek help. That involves training in communication and negotiating.

Questions I have been asked

by Toronto relationship counsellor Beth Mares

Do you believe that all marriages can and should be saved?  No. However, it is often possible to solve difficult and long-standing problems, even if the partners seem incompatible, when both value the relationship.

What type of marital therapy do you do?  There are two main stages in the couple therapy I do, but some couples only need one or the other. The first stage is about getting along reasonably harmoniously and lowering stress. The second stage, drawing on recent research on attachment and its relevance to romantic relationships, is to build a deeply satisfying and lasting connexion.

Is marital intimacy a subject you feel comfortable working with? Yes.

For improving a couple's sex life, do you give exercises and if they don't get them done tell them you can't help them unless they make more effort? No. To do that would be to miss the point. Before giving exercises to couples I think might be helped by them, I try to find and deal with whatever issues are getting in the way of good sex. If some have been missed, the exercises will pinpoint them, as they will turn up as a roadblock to doing an exercise. The task then is to work on each roadblock as it comes up.

Does couples therapy involve individual sessions? In most cases, yes. Most people have some personal issues that are getting in the way of their relationship, and in my experience these are usually more easily dealt with in individual sessions. If it is purely a matter of teaching communication skills or solving a few practical problems a few joint sessions may be all that is required.

Are you comfortable with being the therapist for both partners? In most cases, yes. Doing it this way can introduce some complexities to the situation, but if the therapist is adequately trained to deal with them, there are important advantages. Sometimes there are reasons to recommend separate therapists, though, and usually I can suggest a suitable therapist when this is the case.

How long does it take if there is a serious problem such as infidelity? You can't really tell how long it will take based on how severe the problem seems. Some of the couples I see get the job done in under 20 sessions; but others require a substantial number of individual sessions as part of the process, so of course more sessions are required. Long-standing issues usually take longer than problems that have arisen later in the relationship.

Can I work with you individually on my relationship, or is it better to come together?  Certainly you can work with me on it individually. In most cases working as a couple gets the quickest results, but some couples are not ready for that.

Are you one of those marriage counsellors who tell people that their problems can be solved with bunches of roses and silk negligees? No. Every couple that has come to me has had a significant problem that needed to be seriously investigated and addressed. Once that has been done, they can figure out the flowers and the lingerie for themselves--or the mountain climbing, for that matter. Whatever they enjoy doing together.

What do you suggest when one partner wants to see you and the other is reluctant? It depends on the reason(s). If the reluctant partner is getting his/her own way all the time and is therefore not motivated, I suggest that the motivated partner work with me on gaining leverage in the relationship to equalize the balance of power. If the reluctant partner is afraid or unconvinced because of lack of information about counselling and how it works, I suggest that that person or the couple come for an information session.

Do you counsel same-sex couples who are having sexual problems? Yes.

Are you experienced in working with affairs and marital infidelity? Yes, very.

Do you work with sex addiction and obsessive sexual behaviour or thoughts? Yes--a lot.

Have you been able to help people who wanted to change unwanted or illegal sexual habits? Yes, in most cases.

Do you do marriage counselling with people who are not interested in changing unconventional sexual practices involving consenting adults? Yes.

Do you believe that open relationships can work? For some people, yes. I don't believe that there is One Way that is best for everyone.

Is your pre-marital counselling secular or religious? My marriage preparation is non-religious, but as we usually talk about values, the partners' religious beliefs if any may be part of the discussion, especially if there are significant differences.

Does a couple therapy session cost twice as much as an individual session? No, but with most counsellors, including myself, it costs a little more.

Would we have to come weekly?  In most cases weekly is best, because individual sessions as well as joint sessions are usually needed. However for most people weekly joint sessions are too much, in my opinion. A typical schedule is for the couple to come alternate weeks and to do individual sessions the other week. If they already have their own therapists, marital counselling would usually be alternate weeks.

How long is your therapy "hour"?  55 minutes.

Do you charge for the session if we are unable to give 24 hours notice of cancellation?  Yes. If one partner is able to come to the session and work individually on relationship issues that usually works out well.

Do you do preliminary phone discussions or preliminary short meetings to determine fit and comfort level?  No. We do that in the first session. Some couples have decided that they want to work with me before we meet and others are coming to find out whether they do.  If you have questions to ask, it is usually best to say so at the beginning so we don't run out of time for adequately answering them.

Do you work evenings and weekends? Evenings. If you need a weekend, see Ingrid Dresher's page, marriage counseling in West Toronto

For bio see Toronto psychotherapist and counsellor Beth Mares

Letters on marriage and relationships answered by couple counsellor Beth Mares: 

  Sexual intimacy problem--low sexual desire   Sex problem--mismatched sexual desire  Low sexual desire--lesbian_bed death

 Marital conflict over strip bars   Marriage counselling for infidelity  

Beth Mares Counselling

East Danforth (on subway, near The Beaches) also serving Scarborough, Markham, Pickering & Durham County

Marriage enhancement and divorce prevention

 Marriage counseling Toronto