• K.C. calls in and reveals that he's working part time as a body guard for escorts. He's anxious for the clients to "blow their load" so he can hustle them out. K.C. also confesses that he's basically homeless after a bad break up. "You were in a relationship with a house?" asked Artie.

• The first update of the KCD in over two years! K.C. calls Howard at Sirius and reveals that he's been chewing on one side of his mouth for the last year and that six months ago a molar cracked on the other side so he can't close his mouth fully. K.C. also confesses that he has a double hernia. "It's like one saga after the other," Howard comments. Mysteriously, the hernia has changed K.C.'s belly button from an iny to an outy. Furthermore, K.C. admits that yesterday he "sharted": shit in his pants while at the computer.

• K.C. makes his final appearance on the Howard Stern show when he stops by to wish Howard well on his move to Sirius satellite radio. As one would expect and hope the shocking revelations came fast and furious:
  • K.C. suffered from a hormonal imbalance which meant that his body was in a state of "menopause." "[I was] like an eighty year old woman! My period stopped!" K.C. revealed.

  • As a result of the imbalance K.C. is now taking testosterone-based steroids which have bulked up his physique and improved his sex drive. Gary Dell'Abate mentions that K.C. told him he recently had sex with "his woman" eight times in one day. "Nice!" K.C. proudly declares.

  • In terms of his youth, K.C. admits "I was always a mess, always unhappy. But now--I'm happy."

  • In an emotionally charged moment, K.C. apologizes to Tom Chiusano for his past behaviour. Tom, equally emotional, forgives K.C. and, miraculously, doesn't once refer to himself in the third person.

  • K.C. admits that he still drinks. His rehab partner, Richard Perlman (of Newport Coast Recovery--see 1 July 2005 entry below) calls K.C. "a work in progress."

  • Every Monday K.C. has his own gig at the "Ha Ha" in North Hollywood.

  • K.C. is in charge of picking the girls of "The Beverly Hills Choppers," a gang of supermodels.

  • K.C.'s newest girlfriend, the one who enjoyed his talents eight times over, was one of the chopper girls that he cast. K.C.'s former girlfriend disappointed him somehow and, on a website, K.C. called her a "disgrace."

  • Howard plays a medley of gay K.C. songs including the famous "Gay Photographs." "Gay Photographs?!?!" K.C. says excitedly. "Nice!!!"

  • K.C. was responsible for bringing Richard Christie to the attention of everyone at the show. [Editor's note: Everyone can make a horrible mistake--even K.C.]

  • Howard replays some favourite K.C. moments:
    • K.C. shares his barbecue tips, in particular the importance of properly "serenading" the meat.

    • In cutting a commercial for Lobster-gram K.C. pronounces the G in "filet mignon."

  • K.C. reveals how he was affected by September 11th. Within hours after the attack he was upset that televised horse racing was cancelled and the next day he stayed home and drank all day. To his credit, K.C. admits that his behaviour was selfish.

  • Fred compares K.C.'s September 11th behaviour to "an elephant jumping on a chair when it sees a mouse." K.C. confesses: "I'm afraid of mice."

  • K.C. was Gary's first assistant "and he made my life so much easier for a long time," Gary says.

  • K.C. discusses the ongoing problems with the distribution of his DVD Die Laughing. His ex-girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: "You work on this twenty hours a day. It's gonna be me or the DVD" and K.C. chose the DVD. As a result, she started throwing his belongings out on the beach. "Hey, that's my hard drive, you twat!" K.C. roared. "Never a dull moment," says Howard. K.C. goes on to say "She's a good girl, though. It's hard to live with me. It's not her fault."

  • Howard suggests that there could be a reality show on his On Demand channel--following K.C. around.

  • "I genuinely miss K.C., I really do," Artie Lange confesses.

  • Howard concludes the interview by giving K.C. a plug for his latest venture Beverly Hills Choppers.

  • K.C.'s parting words: "Howard, thank you so much. And guys, again, I can't thank you enough. I owe you everything. Thank you." Artie gets the final word "We love you, Kace."

  Analysis: A very emotional and open discussion between K.C. and the gang. Artie especially sums the feeling up nicely . . . . . K.C. was a huge asset to the Howard Stern show and he's genuinely missed by everyone.

• Update: In a surprise move, K.C. calls up the Stern show to promote his new DVD, Die Laughing. The shocking revelations flow fast and furious during the emotionally charged interview:
  • K.C. now lives 45 minutes from Los Angeles in Newport Beach.

  • K.C., his sense of humour as finely honed as ever, says that he's been training for the "knob sledding" event in the Gay Olympics.

  • K.C. was fired in October, 2004. K.C. discusses his disappointment that Tom Chiusano chose to fire him over the phone.

  • In one of the most wrenching revelations during the interview K.C. admits: "For seven years . . . since I was hired, especially real bad in the last few years, I hid the fact that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict--the whole time." As for the drugs he was taking: "Everything."

  • K.C. explains that working out all the time was a means of distracting himself from his personal demons. "I wasn't able to beat them. They beat me."

  • K.C. never took heroin, but waffles when asked about coke and crack.

  • Artie admits that he found it humorous that everyone involved in K.C. intervention had to wait until he returned from the gym.

  • K.C. reveals that he also wanted to blow his brains out every morning when he got up.

  • Tom went to K.C.'s apartment back in April, 2004. K.C. says that he wishes Tom hadn't come over.

  • K.C. and the gang get emotional over the issue of his still harbouring resentment toward Tom C. and K.C. says that he's starting to get mad at everyone.

  • K.C. was at the head of the class in rehab and was helping other kids deal with their addictions.

  • K.C. feels that Tom C. gave him "false hope" about returning to the show when, in K.C.'s mind, Tom never considered bringing him back.

  • K.C. is upset that Tom C. had the "audacity" to go on the air and say that Cabbie needed everyone's support during his rough time. [Note: This observation, that Tom C. has done far more for Cabbie--someone vastly more out of control and will much less talent than K.C.--has been a popular topic of discussion on the various Howard Stern websites and bulletin boards.]

  • K.C. feels deep gratitude toward Dominic Barbara and considers everyone on the Stern show his "second family." In an unexpected twist K.C. even says that he even loves Benjy.

  • In another emotionally charged exchange K.C. reveals that after he was suspended the first time "I tried to do it there, you know what I mean. I tried to leave . . . . I tried the easy way."

  • The ever-annoying Zolar reveals that he once went gambling with K.C. and that K.C. lost $500 in 35 seconds.

  • Gary reveals that in the week before Labour Day K.C. checked himself into a voluntary rehab centre. But just before everyone was to return to the show after a week's vacation K.C. called Gary and said that he wouldn't be able to return to the show because it turns out that his stay at the rehab wasn't voluntary "'It's K.C. They won't let me leave!'" Gary recalls. K.C. further reveals that the rehab centre was, in fact, "the loonie bin."

  • K.C. says that he's sick "every day" over losing $330,000 to Golden Palace.

  • K.C. highly recommends Newport Coast Recovery: "They rule."

  • K.C.'s drinking again. "I'm very happy right now." But he isn't doing drugs and he's stopped gambling. "I don't like the steady monotony of life. If I want to have a couple of beers at a barbecue, big goddamned deal."

  • K.C. says that when he moved to California "something happened to me. I got this thing on my face. I started smiling. I am so goddamned happy."

  • K.C. is still with the "same broad." "And she's a sweetheart," Robin comments.

  • Joey Boots tells "the bible story": Tom C. went to K.C.'s apartment one day and, with the NYPD, broke down the door to find K.C. with his arms cut open bleeding over an open bible. K.C. laughs at the memory. "That's not funny, Kace," Howard admonishes. K.C. reveals that he'd been self-mutilating for years, even before coming to the Stern show. "I've got problems," K.C. confesses.

  • Howard reveals that K.C. has the dubious distinction of bringing Richard Christy to his attention.

  • With real sincerity Howard tells K.C.: "You're a super funny guy. I do wish you all the best, I miss you here. I love you very much and I will always, always appreciate all your contributions to the show." "It was great having him around and it was a terrible loss," adds Robin.

  • K.C.'s final words to the gang: "You guys are really special people and I miss you terribly."

  Analysis: Without question, the K.C. interview was one of the most real and emotionally harrowing segments in Stern show history. The interview got off track when the focus was on K.C.'s anger toward Tom Chiusano and his frustration in explaining his feelings was obvious. In any event, K.C. fans, myself included, would find the interview difficult because it's clear that K.C. has a good heart and was absolutely a real talent on the Stern show. Robin's words ring true: "it was a terrible loss."

  Who knows? Will K.C. rejoin the Stern show when it moves to Sirius (sans Chiusano)? It's a big "if," but K.C. fans can keep our fingers crossed. In any event, we all wish K.C. the very best.

Thursday, 3 February 2005 The End of an Era: Well, after several months of hoping against hope, it appears that Kyle Casey (K.C.) Armstrong, will not be returning to the Howard Stern Show. K.C. was a true talent and a genuine asset to the Stern Show. This likable lug had a great sense of humour and was an integral member of the Stern team. Although his good looks might have threatened some people, this was offset by the fact that he had enough emotional problems to fill a psychology textbook. K.C. was responsible for bringing the Singing Psychic ("Oh, the Red Sox will win the World Series. Yeah, yeah, yeah.") to the show and conducted a number of classic celebrity interviews (the Chevy Chase run-in being one of the more memorable). Fans of the Stern show loved K.C. and he'll be sorely missed. At times Howard's interviews with a stripper or porn star could get stale. Nothing livened up these moments like K.C. bellowing "Come on! Show us your dumper!!!" Who knows what the future has in store for K.C.? In 2004 he starred in a cinema classic: Death 4 Told. Keep your eyes on The Internet Movie Database for future projects involving K.C. I started this webpage nearly five years ago with the first incredible revelation that K.C. once had a pet rabbit. Over the years I couldn't help but marvel at the many shocking tidbits that helped to make the Stern show so entertaining. K.C. leaves a real void and the Stern Show suffers as a result of his departure. In an ideal world K.C. would return to the Howard Stern Show and that lame, unfunny, no-talent Richard Christy would go back to his turnip farm in Kansas. But we don't live in an ideal world. K.C., you'll be missed. "Nice!"

Friday, 19 November 2004

• K.C.'s prolonged absence from the show stretches from weeks to months. This leads to much speculation as to the cause of K.C.'s disappearance:
  • K.C. is in rehab.
  • K.C. has come out of the closet and is spending time exploring his new-found sexuality.
  • K.C. has been fired from the show because his GoldenPalace.com revelation turned out to a lie as means of plugging the online gambling service.

  The K.C. disappearance continues. Is this the end of K.C.?

• A major K.C. revelation: K.C. tells everyone that he won $330,000 from GoldenPalace.com, but that he couldn't control his gambling urges and subsequently lost it all again. He had hoped to fix the cavities in his teeth. Howard, not surprisingly, is disgusted: "Get out of here! Leave! You should be ashamed. Get out."

• In another of an ongoing series of mysterious absences, K.C. doesn't show up for work. Howard appears annoyed.

• K.C. who was once a vegetarian, confesses that he ate Chateau Briand at Scores the night before and enjoyed it.

• As a result of a recent intervention, K.C. has given up gambling.

• On his friends, K.C. comments: "All my friends are either filthy comedians or there’s something wrong with them."

• Despite his life being on a more stable course, K.C. is still addicted to tanning salons.

• K.C.'s brother is married.

• After a long and mysterious absence K.C. slowly reappears back on the show. Howard reveals that K.C. brought his (new) girlfriend to the E! 10th anniversary party.

• The ever-annoying High Pitch Eric calls and reveals that K.C. was at an appearance in Florida and was seen making out with a blond woman--a Tara Reid type. K.C. confesses that he met a nice 21 year old girl and went "all the way" with her and that she slept the night. "Round 1" lasted thirty or forty minutes. Howard finds it strange that K.C. could last that long with a beautiful woman. "You're gay," observes Howard. "You have real homosexuality issues."

• K.C. says that he went out with a woman after his last long-term girlfriend and that he doesn't like her now. K.C. describes her as a "liar" and a "user." K.C. describes his dream woman: "I want a lady. I don't want some kinda two dime whore. Or some old tramp. I don't want that."

• K.C. admits that he masturbates every day.

• K.C. has athlete’s foot.

• K.C. describes himself as a "walking medicine cabinet" and admits that the medication he's taking includes Lexipro and Depakote.

• Miss Howard Stern makes a return appearance and once again confesses that she has a crush on K.C. Even though he's single K.C. doesn't want to date Miss Howard Stern. K.C. defends himself "I'm not gayin' off!" but the rest of the gang remains unconvinced.

• K.C. is on a new type of medication (also used for Attention Deficit Disorder), but it's causing bad side effects:
  • "I get dizzy and I freak out--real paranoid."
  • He feels like his skin is crawling.
  • He thinks that there are insects in his bed.
  • He thinks that there's something in his closet: "I thought it was a person."
  • "While I was throwing up, I thought someone was getting in through the window."

• Although his seizures have subsided, K.C. hasn't had a good night's sleep in four or five years.

• K.C. thinks that 80% of all women are whores.

• K.C. sums up the whole conversation perfectly: "I got problems."

• K.C. admits that in his youth he stalked a woman and was aggressive with her, calling her a "dirty c***". K.C. denies ever hitting the woman, but does admit that he once wrote a letter in blood to someone he wanted to beat up.

Photo courtesy of James King.

• When Miss Howard Stern admits to having a crush on K.C. his reaction is restrained. K.C. is flattered, but uninterested in dating Miss Howard Stern. This, of course, leads to Howard calling K.C. gay.

  Special added bonus: Enjoy this mp3 sound sample of Miss Howard Stern's famous catch phrase: "Thank you!".

• K.C. unveils a new game "Guess Who Had the Pet by the Pet's Name." This ill-conceived quiz fails miserably, but does reveal another K.C. tidbit: K.C. once had a pet named "Whitey."

• During the "Would You Rather" game K.C. reveals that he would rather kill his mother than perform oral sex on her.

• K.C.'s brother's name is Matt. Two weeks earlier Matt performed CPR on a man who was already dead.

• K.C. medication, wellbutrin, is making his speech slurred, his eyes water and causing him to have seizures in his sleep. "I have physical pain and tremors. [The doctor] says it happens--it's like a form of epilepsy." Howard's response: "Ha ha ha!"

• After Howard criticizes K.C. for not doing his job properly, K.C. erupts into a brief rage. The moment passes quickly, but the resulting tension leaves everyone on edge. Robin looks for the exit and Howard requests that K.C. confine himself to a rolling cage on wheels. Howard later ranks the outburst "right up there" with the Robert Blake and Mr. T meltdowns.

• K.C. admits that he's had passing fantasies about killing everyone in the studio.

• K.C. is now taking the medication zoloft. When asked why he's on this medication, K.C. replies: "[The doctor] said depression, obsessive--something like that . . . . bi-polar."

• K.C. admits that the anti-depressant medication he's taking is making him worse.

• K.C. goes on the defensive when he describes his father's game of "Lonesome Coyote" in which K.C. was pelted with balls. Howard and crew consider the game abusive, but K.C. thinks of it as character building. "Get out--you're nuts," assesses Howard. "You need a psychiatrist and you need medication." K.C.'s response: "I love you."

• K.C. announces that he broke up with his girlfriend, Jamie, a "few weeks, a month" previously. He is now single.

• K.C. admits that he's used steroids in the past.

• K.C. confesses that he ate a steak that had thawed during the big power blackout and then refroze. Ignoring the taste, K.C. doused the steak in A-1 Sauce and dove in. He then woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pains and diarrhea. Some of the unpleasant "outcome" ended up in K.C.'s bed. "Does your medication make you stupid?" asked Howard.

• The results of a DNA swab reveals that K.C.'s genetic lineage is "100 percent European."

• K.C. recently went to the emergency room in the middle of the night because of problems with his teeth. He sat between a woman with a broken hip and another woman with a colostomy bag. Also, he changed medications: K.C. now takes Zoloft, but it doesn't work--it makes him angry. "K.C.'s brain is broken," Robin comments.

• When Howard discusses finances with K.C. tempers flare. K.C. accuses Howard of forgetting what financial hardship is like which leads Howard to say: "Get out of here, you disgust me. I can't even look at your face."

• K.C. lives alone in a small studio apartment and pays $1,625 a month in rent.

• A grand slam homerun day in terms of shocking K.C. revelations:

  K.C. has been on Prozac for two months. K.C.'s friends went to his older brother and they had an intervention. K.C. refused to listen to his brother so his brother beat him up. K.C. then went to a doctor and answered a questionnaire. While it's true that K.C. gets very little enjoyment from life, he confesses to Howard that he likes sex, gambling and drinking. K.C.'s doctor called him a "severe case."

  As for the Prozac, K.C. says it doesn't work: "It sucks!"

  In a disturbing revelation K.C. says that his family is the most important person in the world to him, but--paradoxically--that he has strange compulsions that, in order to protect them, he feels compelled to kill them.

  K.C. confirms that he's taken steroids in the past and Howard speculates that this might be part of his problem.

  Gary asks K.C. questions from a standard questionnaire that tests mental health. K.C.'s answers:

  • K.C. feels like having crying spells "all the time," but never does.
  • K.C. is never constipated: "Never. I got two a day, baby!"
  • K.C. often feels that others would be better off if he was dead: "Everybody feels that way."
  • K.C. has trouble sleeping through the night. He was often waking up in the middle of the night with the delusion that someone had put a note on his television. "It happened all the time."
  • K.C.'s restless and can't keep still.
  • K.C. gets tired for no reason.
  • K.C. enjoys talking to attractive women.
  • K.C.'s life isn't full.
  • He feels "downhearted, blue and sad."

  One caller tells K.C. that he needs to take anti-psychotic medicine and another tells the gang that she's "totally scared" for their lives and that Howard shouldn't eat any more food delivered by K.C. K.C. then tells everyone that he'd commit suicide if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't want to hurt other people.

  Stuttering John says that, based on the Prozac web site, anyone exhibiting K.C.'s symptoms should go to the nearest hospital emergency room immediately.

• A continuation of the discussion regarding K.C. walking around the streets of Manhattan with his shirt off. Howard comments: "Dude, it's because you're in good shape and you're gay. What's the big deal about being gay? Just come out of the closet. There's nothing wrong with being gay, dude. You know what, your father died--he can't yell at you for being gay. It's okay."

• K.C. admits that during the summer he never wears a shirt at home or when driving a car. Howard theorizes that this is a desperate attempt to attract attention to himself.

• A red-letter day for K.C. revelations:

  • K.C. skipped the Scores party the day before to go to an "audition" which entailed a gay German photographing K.C. in underwear for ninety minutes.
  • In college K.C. did a film parody of Lou Reed called "Head Cream" in which he chased men around campus and performed oral sex on them. "Gay stuff is funny!" claims K.C. "Dude, get yourself to a psychiatrist," Howard advises.

• Earlier in the week K.C. refuses to feel a woman's breasts to see if they're real. This results in an ongoing debate about K.C.'s "issues." K.C. confesses "I have a problem with women" and that he thought that the woman was "filthy" so he didn't want to touch her breasts. "He is gay," Robin insists.

• Fourth anniversary of the K.C. Information Database.

• K.C. can't afford a suitcase so he uses a garbage bag with a handle on it instead.

• K.C. admits that he hates to touch other people's belongings. Robin comments: "What's wrong with you? How did this happen to you?" Howard adds: "I don't have time to play psychiatrist with you, but you really do need some severe help."

• K.C. only sees his girlfriend of four years on weekends.

• K.C. has trimmed his pubic hair.

• A red-letter day for K.C. revelations:
  • During a discussion about his wrestling coach father, K.C. claims that he didn't cry while watching The Great Santini.

  • As an incentive to participate in wrestling and not basketball, K.C.'s father told him that basketballs can give you warts--a hygienic curiosity that K.C. believed until he was thirteen.

  • While training for wrestling K.C. took laxatives, forced himself to throw up and chewed tobacco to eliminate spit (in order to achieve his optimal wrestling weight).

  • A caller, claiming to have had K.C.'s father as a coach, claims that he was told by Armstrong Sr. to take diuretics. K.C. flies into one of his well documented rages: "That's not true! What do you know?!? Who the hell are you?!? I'd like to meet you and beat the hell out of you."

  • K.C.'s father had a handlebar mustache, but didn't wear a crew cut.

• K.C. admits that his comments on Dan Marino's ass (see 10 January 2000 below) may have been ill-considered, but he goes on record as saying that he still thinks Marino has a strange ass.

• K.C. lost his virginity when he was 13.

• K.C. admits that he recently had trouble sleeping because of an obsession that bugs were burrowing into his ears. "He's mentally ill," Robin accurately observes.

• Gary mentions that K.C. bowed out of going to a lunch with some station clients because he hates socializing.

• K.C. says that he wouldn't pose in Playgirl magazine for $50,000. Howard asks "Is your schlong so small?" to which K.C. replies "Naw, I'm nice. I can chub up."

• Gary tells K.C. that he got his first intern job at the station because the woman in charge of hiring liked the famous picture of K.C. with his shirt off.

• Gary reveals that K.C. lives "over by CBS." K.C. also knows local CBS news correspondent Whitney Casey because they live near each other. A discussion then ensues about K.C.'s girlfriend who Howard describes as "hot." K.C. calls her "a good egg." She'd have to be based on a later revelation: K.C. once asked his girlfriend to get him a beer while he was watching football on television. She refused so he picked up her small dog and farted on it twice. Since then, she's never refused a request.

• Howard outs K.C. when he reveals that he's seen K.C. eating his own boogers. K.C. doesn't admit to the deed (nor does he deny it), but he does confess: "I do chew my own toenails!"

• K.C. once appeared on the soap opera The Guiding Light. He wore a scuba outfit.

• K.C. chews tobacco.

• K.C. waxes eloquent on the Olson twins: "They are smokin' hot. They had a TV movie or something like that on. I looked down--I had a rod!"

• K.C. reveals that he lost his virginity when he was 13: "I don't even think I was through puberty yet." Howard asks the logical follow up question: "When did you have your first guy?" K.C. answers (jokingly?) "That was just recently."

• In the previous week K.C. performed his child molester stand-up comedy routine in his hometown. Throughout this always controversial performance K.C.'s former guidance councilor just sat in the audience with his head in his hands.

• Photographs of K.C. are published in American Health and Fitness magazine. Howard comments: "You know that this is just a magazine that gay men buy so that they can whack it." Even K.C. has to admit "It's a little gay."

• Gary sends K.C. home sick: "I had to get him out of here. He was sneezing, he was freaking me out."

  K.C. calls into the show later to defend himself against the criticism of his stand-up career. Unfortunately K.C.'s home phone has been disconnected due to non-payment. K.C.'s voice can only be faintly heard over the $10 rent-a-cell-phone he was forced to use.

• A conversation about the hotness of Anna Kournikova ensues and K.C. confesses: "I'd like to stick my tongue down her throat and punch her in the stomach." Why the punch in the stomach? "Because she's so hot!" K.C. replies, defying all logic. Howard responds: "Yeah, well you're gay."

• When K.C. was in school, his father, a gym teacher, would make him wear a football helmet and run back and forth through the gym as the rest of the kids hurled balls at him. K.C. looked back on the memory fondly "It's 'Lonesome Coyote!' That was the name of the game!", but Howard felt that this actually contributed to K.C.'s early psychological damage.

• After a break, Howard gets the show rolling again: "K.C. admitted to me during the commercial that he made a doody in his bed again. He meant to blow a fart and a lot of stuff came out." K.C. then goes on to confess that he had a bloody ass during the Las Vegas trip due to hemorrhoids. He also suffered from nose bleeds.

• When K.C.'s girlfriend stays over night with him she brings her small, gay dog with her. K.C. admits that he left rat poison sitting out in the bathroom and the dog ate it. K.C. took the dog to the vet where the dog threw up the poison. Although all seemed well, the dog died a week later while sleeping in the bed with K.C. and his girlfriend. "You killed him," rules Howard. Robin concurs: "Just own up to it--you killed the dog."

• K.C. discusses his ill-fated stand-up comedy career. Included in K.C.'s act are revelations that he thinks about molesting children. "It's funny!" reveals K.C. "I like to see people's reaction." Howard is understandably appalled: "Dude! Do you really have fantasies about children???" K.C. responds: "No! Well, yes . . . . I guess I like innocence." "You should be in jail," Howard wisely observes.

  K.C. repeats his routine's closing joke: "What's the last thing a kid sees before he's killed by a child molester? My collection of Barney tapes! Good night!" Howard's only comment is a disgusted "Oh, my God."

• K.C. is enraged by people on airplanes who have to urinate. "Can't they hold it!?!?" K.C. roars. "You can't hold it for two hours?!?!? It makes me so angry!" Gary clarifies: "K.C. hates to be that close to so many people. He hates people as a rule."

• After K.C.'s grandmother dies, K.C. recounts an uncomfortable wake in which the minister mistakenly calls his grandmother, Virginia, Gee-Gee and his uncle Dennis, Bill.

• K.C. and the legendarily homophobic Scott Depace play "gay chicken" (in which each participant's hand inches closer and closer to his opponent's package--the first to quit loses). Despite the prospect of a prize of an X-Box, K.C. eventually loses after some tense fondling. K.C. defends his loss: "He was too close. The next move he would have been touching sack."

• During negotiations to get K.C. to wear a dress, panties and high heels K.C. reveals his shoe size: ten and a half.

• K.C. lives in Hell's Kitchen in a one-bedroom studio apartment.

• A K.C. seafood shocker: K.C. reveals that he doesn't like fish. "I won't eat anything that swims," he confesses.

• K.C. and the rest of the gang take a lie detector test to determine how gay they are. As with the first lie detector test that K.C. took, he failed miserably. With each question K.C. denies being gay, but the results tell a different tale:
  • "Have you ever given or received oral sex from another man?" ("He was deceptive," says Ed Torian who administered the lie detector test.)
  • "Have you ever given or received anal sex from another man?" ("He's lying about that," reveals Ed.)
  • "Have you ever touched another man's penis in a sexual way?" ("He's deceptive," confirms Ed.)
  • "Are you attracted to men?" ("He's attracted to all sorts of men!" says Ed.)

  Ed sums up K.C.'s lie detector results: "He's holding back. He was definitely deceptive."

  Howard condemns K.C.: "You failed every question!" Always defiant, K.C. roars: "I'm a man of my word! I'm telling you I'm not gay! Get it through your head! I'm straight! Eat me!"

• A red letter day in terms of revelations about K.C.'s deep psychological problems:
  • After applying a skin lotion to simulate a sun tan ("I didn't spray my pin. I put it on my ass, though.") K.C. reveals that he experienced an ongoing sporadic allergic reaction. Everyone is convinced that the symptoms were entirely in K.C.'s mind. Howard believes that K.C. is seriously disturbed, but K.C. has a different theory: "God hates me!"
  • K.C. confesses that he often talks to himself in order to dispell the conflicting voices in his head. The evil voice will suggest that he snatch babies and throw them or push old women down stairs. The good voice will talk him out of it. The voices often continue to argue, even when K.C. is getting ready for bed. Occasionally he has to command them both to "Stop!"
  • Stuttering John calls K.C. "the craziest guy on the show."
  • K.C. reveals his family heritage: "I'm half Mick and half Kraut!"

• After discussing his increasing loss of bladder and bowel control, K.C. shows Howard the homemade "diaper" that he's now wearing. Actress Terry Farrell (formerly of "Deep Space Nine") sneaks a peek and observes: "There's not much in there." Howard is amused by Terry thinking that K.C. doesn't have "a package". Robin, apparently embarrassed for K.C., orders him: "Close your pants up! You're like a Ken doll!"

• K.C. confesses that while in Las Vegas he was "backed up" and had to "rub one out" (masturbate). Upon completion K.C. decided to leave the "remains" on the hotel room sheets for the staff to clean up the next day. "I didn't have a sock!" K.C. explains.

• The first K.C. news flash of the new millennium! While discussing the upcoming trip to Las Vegas, K.C. reveals that he's afraid to fly.

• More excretory problems signal K.C.'s "downward spiral to hell" (his own words). K.C. confesses that a couple of months ago he tried to fart in the car and crapped his pants:

  "Yeah! And it was a considerable amount. And I had to drive for an hour and a half serenading in that stuff."

  "Marinating!!!" yells the gang.

  "And then some came down my leg. It was funny, man! I was laughin'!"

  "I'm fallin' apart, dude!"

• K.C.'s much anticipated third on-air fart is a bitter disappointment. "That was a wet one! It was no good!" laments K.C.

• K.C. reveals that he recently got his first hemorrhoid. "Dude, it hurts like a bastard!"

• K.C.'s downward spiral toward a complete mental breakdown goes into high gear when he admits:
  • During the Thanksgiving week off he wet the bed yet again.
  • When trying to get to sleep K.C. has been having seizures in which his eyes roll back into his head and he can't move. "I know what that is!" says Gary. "It's a brain tumour! They just did it on E.R."

• After producer Gary Dell'Abate says that an S.A.T. score of 900-1000 is "average" K.C. confesses that he got 820 on his own S.A.T. K.C. leaps to his own defence: "I'm not dumb! I just don't do well on tests!"

• It's "The K.C. Show" as K.C. gets a record amount of air-time. After lamenting his failed football career and taking pride in calling himself "a big, dumb animal" K.C. ends months of heated debate among his fans by revealing:
  • "Uh! I'm six foot tall."
  • K.C. hosts the game "Guess the Jew Musician (Jew-sician)" and starts things off with a bang with his second ever on-air fart, thus ending a K.C. flatulence drought of 299 days.

• Better late than never: K.C. finally begins to see a psychiatrist.

• Further explorations into the bottomless pit of K.C.'s neuroses:
  • When someone showed K.C. an apartment he was thinking of renting, K.C. became convinced that the man was trying to kill him with poison gas and that the man had built up an immunity to the toxin.
  • Gary asks K.C. "When's the last time you cried?" to which K.C. replies "Uh! I almost cried during that commercial with the dog in the rain."
  • K.C. reveals that when he goes to bed feeling stressed out, he finds it helpful to fantasize about guns and killing himself. The gang is mortified, but the ever-loyal Jackie "The Jokeman" leaps to K.C.'s defense: "Aw, come on! Don't any of you finding it relaxing to think about blowing your own head off?"

• A K.C. double-header! Two consecutive days of exciting revelations:
  • K.C. admits to wetting the bed recently.
  • When a caller asks K.C. "And have you ever crapped your pants, too?" K.C. confesses "Yeah! I have!!"
  • K.C. has such a loathing of being touched by his colleagues that he keeps a rear-view mirror on his desk in order to see any approaching threats to his personal space.
  • K.C. discusses his sexual talents: "I'm nice!"

  Howard listens intently to the K.C. discussion and then offers some sound advice: "K.C., run don't walk to a doctor."

• K.C. confesses that occasionally he suffers from anxiety attacks: "Sometimes I'll be somewhere and then all of a sudden this dread will come over me and I have to leave."

• K.C. admits that he's a frequent gambler--particularly on horse races. K.C. even visits O.T.B. after the gym. "Yeah, I like it. It's a hobby," K.C. reveals.

• During the "Suicide Game" K.C. describes Vincent van Gogh as "one sick bastard. He cut off his own ear and gave it to his girlfriend. That's cool!" Robin counters by saying "Yeah, well Van Gogh was also a great painter and a genius, K.C. Something you'll never be."

  (Note: K.C. makes a common mistake. In fact, Van Gogh severed his own left earlobe.)

• It's K.C. Pride Day on the Howard Stern Show when K.C. confirms that he will ride on a float in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade on 25 June. Further revelations:
  • A devastating Kyle Casey shocker: K.C. reveals that he occasionally has a green bowel movement. "What causes it?" K.C. pondered. "Could it be dehydration?"
  • Gary mentions that K.C. "went to school in the South" and Robin adds "and he grew up on Long Island".

• K.C. reveals that he owns a dog. Furthermore, K.C. tells everyone that he truly believes that the dog loves him. Howard disagrees with K.C.'s logic, however, and orders: "Get out of my sight. You disgust me."

• It's the Howard Stern First Annual Top Ten List and K.C. submits his choices for the hottest women alive today:

  10. Gabrielle Reece *
  9. Mandy Moore *
  8. Jennie Garth
  7. Britney Spears (K.C. elaborates: "Innocence transfers into HOT SEX!")
  6. Elizabeth Hurley
  5. Jennifer Aniston
  4. Jenny Nolan
  3. Pam Anderson
  2. Christina Applegate

  And K.C.'s choice for the #1 hottest woman alive . . . .

  1. Anna Kournikova

  * Actually a tie for 10th place.

  Finally, Gay Ramone compiles his own top 10 list and ranks Brad Pitt as #8 and K.C. as #5. "Yeah!" K.C. roared in triumph. "I beat Brad Pitt! That's awesome!!!"

• Are there no limits to K.C.'s vast array of talents??? K.C. not only reveals to everyone's astonishment that he's a good singer ("Yeah! I'm good!"), but he even accompanies himself on the guitar while singing "I'm Putting a Hamster Down My Trousers".

• Another spectacular Monday in terms of K.C. revelations:
  • Tanning parlour tidbits:
    • Gary was giving K.C. a ride and when they passed K.C.'s former tanning parlour K.C. erupted into a rage: "Bastards! Bastards! That tanning parlour burned me!!!"
    • K.C. uses his K-Rock pager to time his tanning sessions--7 minutes is K.C.'s optimal tanning time.
    • The guys who hang out at K.C.'s gym also tan.
    • Despite being a tanning aficionado K.C. does set limits: "[George Hamilton] is a weirdo!"
    • An intrigued Babba-booey asks K.C. "Do you ever stand in front of the mirror marveling at yourself?" to which K.C. replies: "Yeah! I do that! My girlfriend caught me flexing."
    • Tanning can be hard on the skin, but Howard refuses to believe the truth about K.C.'s dainty personal hygiene. "You don't use lotion! You're a man!" K.C. counters: "I do lotion!"
  • K.C. thinks that Dan Marino of the Miami Dolphins has a big butt which triggers an ongoing discussion of K.C. interest in men's backsides. Robin comments: "We're talking about football and he comes in here talking about tanning and lotion!"
  • K.C. wears tight Calvin Klein bicycle shorts under his pants.
  • K.C. admits "I'm very anal."
  • K.C. concludes this involved and revealing discussion with his first on-air fart.

• The first K.C. tidbit of the Year 2000! For some inexplicable reason people are beginning to believe that K.C. is Jewish. Crazy Alice, that bipolar beauty, leaves the following message on K.C.'s answering machine: "You're the best lookin' Jewish brother I've ever seen in my life."

• Three enlightening revelations about K.C.'s home:
  • K.C. has a nice, two-bedroom apartment in Midtown.
  • K.C. is losing this apartment and is currently looking for another one.
  • It's revealed that K.C. changes apartments frequently. "Why is he always moving?" asked Robin. "Every two months."

  (For earlier insights on K.C.'s residence situation see 16 June 1999 below)

• After a nearly two month drought of K.C. adventures, our favourite associate producer rockets back into the scene when he's visited by a gay foot fetishist who wants to massage his feet. Howard makes two noteworthy observations during the "action":
  • After K.C. removes his socks, Howard praises K.C. for having "pretty feet".
  • After the fetishist excitedly slips a toe ring onto K.C.'s foot Howard declares: "K.C.! You've got a new husband!"

• K.C.'s mother is a teacher and he remarks "She just turned 50."
• K.C. confesses that he would rather have sex with Howard than comment on his mother's appearance.
• On his brother, K.C. says: "My brother's hot. Yeah. He's good lookin'."
• A caller cites the fact that K.C. can't admit his mother is attractive, would have sex with Howard and does think that his own brother is hot. The caller declares that this is proof that K.C. is gay. "You son of a bitch!!!!!!!!" K.C. roars.
• K.C.'s father is deceased.

• Hearts break across North America when K.C. reveals that he has been dating a former Stern show intern (female) for the last six weeks or so. Always very private, K.C. does confess that he and his gal-pal:
  • have been out to dinner
  • have been to the beach
  • have not been to a movie together

• And if that's not enough, K.C. confesses that he has a deep fear of "sea turtles".

• "Driving Mr. K.C.": Howard tells the world that K.C. drives "a Saturn".

• Narrowing the search perimeter: K.C. reveals that he lives near "Exit 62".

• K.C. fondly remembers the time he used to fart into a bottle and then give it to a friend and say "smell this" while uncorking. Looking back on it K.C. sums up the experience as "nice!".

• K.C. tanning bed shocker! K.C. lies in the tanning bed nude with his own sock covering his "pin". After the tanning session is over K.C. removes the sock from his most secret of areas and puts it back on his foot--a process he describes as "nice!".

• Dramatic conclusion of K.C.'s "gay facial hair". "I wanted to start over," he reveals.

• Debut of K.C.'s "gay facial hair".

• K.C. reveals that his birthday is 17 July ("I'm a Cancer," he confesses). Date of birth is therefore: 17 July 1975.

Thursday, 22 April 1999 K.C. used to have a pet rabbit. He also had dogs. He was a vegetarian for a year and a half. K.C. describes his mother as "a saint".

More data will be added in the weeks and months to come . . . . . . . . this page last updated 5 January 2006. Compiled by K.C. historian David Brooks, Toronto, Canada.