The "Plane Game" is easy to play and fun, too!
I came up with the idea for the "Plane Game" a number of years ago when I saw a commercial for a bad, made-for-TV airplane disaster movie. This was back in the days when all of those Airport movies were in vogue.
This particular TV movie was your standard, run-of-the-mill fare, but what impressed me the most were the "stars". I can't remember exactly everyone that was in this movie, but they were along the lines of:
- Justine Bateman
- Richard Grieco
- Nana Visitor (Major Kira from Deep Space Nine)
- Howie Mandel
- Mark Harris (the late Martha Ray's . . . uh . . . husband)
- Daniel J. Travanti
- The entire cast of Murphy Brown
What struck me most was that everyone that had a seat on this ill-fated flight was a Hollywood has-been. What losers! These unemployed hacks hadn't been able to find work in years, but somehow all came together in this disaster plane movie.
So the thought occurred to me: can all seats on this plane be filled? There must be a few empty seats--who can we book on this ill-fated Flight of Mediocrity? I'm talking real nobodies, past and present. How about:
- Scott Baio
- William Christopher ("Father Mulcahey" from M*A*S*H)
- Sally Struthers
- Corey Feldman
- Linda Evans
- Christopher Atkins
Here are some suggestions sent in by visitors to this page . . . . . . . .
Tammy definitely has some strong ideas about who should book a flight on the plane:
- Haley Joel Osment - The kid who 'sees dead people' hasn't seen a good paycheque since the late nineties.
- Danielle Brisbois - when All In The Family spun itself off into Archie's Place, they needed some young blood, and ended up with this annoying little tart.
- Paris Hilton - already a has-been and hasn't even BEGUN a real 'career' yet. I say stop it before someone gives it a good idea.
- Nicole Ritchie - If it wasn't for Paris Hilton, this one would be just another bored-looking junkie in L.A. Instead, she's become the new spokesperson for maintaining an unhealthy body image and for recently 'kicking' heroin addiction. (Make sure there are some used needles on the flight, just in case she survives!).
- Jennilee Harris - she was Chrissy's cousin after Suzanne Somer's left the cast of Three's Company. Also she had that shitty hair accessory infomercial ("just put the button through the pat-en-ded butt-ttonhole...")
There are so many more, but that's all I can think of right now.
Tanja has several suggestions:
- The Hager Twins (Jon & Jon) from Hee Haw – who the heck were they, when they WERE somebody???
- Mrs Livingston from Courtship of Eddie’s Father (Miyoshi Umeki) – She was sweet in Flower Drum Song, maybe she can sing “A Hundred Million Miracles” as the plane is heading for the ground at a 45 degree angle, with flames shooting from behind.
- Mr Whipple (Dick Wilson) – He can burst in on anyone in the place toilets, and shout at them “Don’t squeeze the Charmin!!” Everyone loves comic relief in a disaster film.
And as a special treat, we can be transporting convicts - a sort of “Con Air” tribute, starring:
- Nick Carter
- Yasmine Bleeth
- Tracey Gold
- Tawny Kitaen
- PeeWee Reubens
- Macaulay Culkin
- Corey Clark (a new has-been already)
- Todd Bridges
Check out their mugshots: www.thesmokinggun.com.
That’s my contribution to The Plane.
Scott from Scotland writes:
- The entire cast of The Sandlot Kids - especialy the fat ginger lad, I hate that kid. The entire cast of The Mighty Ducks - except of course that mongaloid from Dawson's Creek cause he's still making stuff. But including Emilio Estevez, and the tough kid Fulton Reid who is also the friendly giant in The Mighty and a bully in Dumb and Dumberrer. Fred Savage (ala Wonder Years and Little Monsters) seems to be making a come back but lets kill him anyway. Every single person in or involved in the film Major League - except at boy from America Pie who does the speech about gettin a shag, he is kind of famous still. The main kid from Flight of the Navigator, don't care about anyone else in the film, I hate that kid however. And finally the geeky kid with spectacles from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. He made an appearance in the awful Honey I Blew Up the Kid but has been largely unseen since.
Mike suggests:
- Cast of 80’s TV series Blossom. Mayim Bialik (Blossom) and Jenna Von Oy (Six) would portray Tracey and Traci, two "friends" traveling to the wedding of Tracey’s brother Joey (Joey Lawrence). Joey will witness the plane going down in flames, for which he will exclaim "whoooooooo."
Sharon has a suggestion:
- Well I for one would like to see Phillis Diller jump out. Her face lifts? Well as she falls out she will not have to have another one. And the Beaver. I liked Eddie Haskel better.
A recent submission:
- Hey! How about Charlene Tilton who played Lucy Ewing on Dallas . . . . never could stand her.
Joseph writes: "How about some childhood favorites?"
- Alf--and the dad from Alf
- Sesame Street Has-Beens:
- Cookie Monster . . . where did he disappear to? Maybe the Grouch has him stashed in some unknown trash can.
- The Count . . . let's see him feed on the passengers
- Grover . . . my childhood favorite has all but disappeared from the show. I believe he's in rehab--sex addict.
- AND FOR GOOD LUCK . . . Elmo (go thank your computer for booking your flight)
- Mr. Belvedere
- Ponch and John from C.H.I.P.S--need I say more
"Warmcub" writes: Being an avid fan of the "Airport" series, there are sooo many folks who come to mind, however, here's a start:
- That stupid woman who does the AB FLEX promotion. You know her! She also sells the TWISTIE hair piece on TV as well. Totally worthless actress . . . .
- That pathetically ugly red-headed kid who sang country songs. He was Mr. Drummond's (Diff'rent Strokes) adopted son when he married Dixie Carter in the 5 season or so. Throw her in as well!
- Vicki from Small Wonder. Quite possibly the worst TV sitcom. As bad as Saved By The Bell! She was a teenage robot that was a très bad actress!! Not a show to be missed on its reruns!! Throw the whole cast off the plane!!!
- Punky Brewster aka Soleil Moon Fry. That bratty kid won the hearts of Americans with her pathetic looks and tacky outfits. Throw her dog Brandon off the plane as well!! [ed.: Personally, I'll go along with everything except for the dog. Blame his agent and give the poor pooch a parachute!]
- How about the Captain's daughter on The Love Boat [ed.: Ironically, she had a pretty funny bit part in Airplane, but this doesn't save her from The Plane]? While you're at it throw in Julie, too. What a terrible actress [ed.: And a coke-head, too, if memory serves]!
Larry has some great new candidates for the plane:
Ted from California has some good ones:
- Tina Yothers (Family Ties)
- Dave Coulier (Full House)
- Sandy Duncan (and that creepy glass eye, too)
- Macauly Culkin (re-defines Has-Been)
- Susan Powter (American fitness guru, alcoholic, cokehead...)
Here are two British suggestions sent in:
- There was a woman in the 70's who advertised 'Shackletons High Back Chairs'. So there you have it.
- There's always Mark Lester who played Oliver in 'Oliver'.
A California has-been enthusiast writes: "Look, Mommy! A falling star!"
Chris from California has a case of "Corey-phobia":
- You have Corey Feldman on your list, but not Corey Haim. I thought the two went hand-in-hand. I mean, they both faded from view at the same time (thankfully).
A bit of gossip on the two Corey's . . . apparently, they were flown out to a high school to do a "don't do drugs" promotion and ran up a $15,000 room service bill (mostly alcohol) and charged it to the school! Incidentally, they were 18 at the time . . . Such nice role models . . .
Personally, I would like to see them both go down on the plane.
Someone suggests:
- Pamela Lee Anderson: Has to be on the plane . . . along with the co-stars of her new show VIP. (Valerie Irons Protection Agency) Let them jump out of the plane at the last minute and be saved by landing on Pam's breasts that act like a giant bouncy ball toy. They all bounce safely to the ground.
Connie in Washington, D.C. has a beef with Babs:
- Oh, very definitely, please reserve two seats (NOT together) for Barbra Streisand and that guy she sang "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore"
with.
Nicole is not a member of the International Cher Fan Club:
- Put CHER on that plane, and with her, put EVERY copy of the song Believe EVER recorded, and make sure that all evidence of said song is destroyed beyond recognition. Jeez ... is she kidding?
Former plane people who have had their sentences commuted:
- Jacqueline Smith (the same visitor writes: "Charlie's Angels is pure camp genius! I have all 3 dolls in their original packages hanging on my wall--'BEAUTIFUL GIRLS WHO LIVE DANGEROUSLY!!' Hilarious! Camp classic!")
Point taken. Jacqueline also parachutes to safety.
You see? It's easy to play! So let's assume that this Plane of Fools, like Doctor Who's TARDIS, is infinitely large on the inside. This means that there's lots more room for additional passengers.
So I invite you to submit your suggestions for additional plane people.
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