As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never **** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Things you might not want to have in your resume...
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Finished eighth in class of ten."
These lines reputedly came from Military Performance Appraisals:
Bright as Alaska in December.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
These apparently come from corporate Performance Evaluations:
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
"This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
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