The Vet

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office.

The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined

the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man

began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion." The vet thought

a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black

Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out

a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet.  The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks

that the bird is dead too." The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!"

The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the

examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again.

Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said,

"The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right.

How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "That will be $600.00." The horrified man said,

"Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"

The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00,

but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."

Seasonal Chuckles

A man walked into a pet store and saw a parrot

advertised as a singer and a talker.

He asked the store owner what songs the bird could sing.

The owner told him to light a match under the birds right foot.

When he did so the bird belted out "Dashing through the snow".

He then asked what else the bird could sing and was told to

place a match under the birds left foot.

The bird then belted out "Jingle Bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way".

Then he asked the store owner what happens if you place the match between the birds feet.

The owner said, "I do not know I have not tried that yet".

He did this and the bird belted out "Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire".

Our Daily Chicken

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky

Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to

change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread'

to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.

If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can

not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50

million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from

'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The

church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help

us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the

Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible

sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your

Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give

us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I

will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he

says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good

news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

The Mouthy Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor.

I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight

without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,

conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,

shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy

finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that

would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible verbal commotion.

The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet....

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about

the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

The Burgler

A burglar got into a house one night.

Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses" the Parrot replied.

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know;

"I guess the same folks who would name the Rottweiler standing behind you 'Jesus'".

Titanic, the Illusionist, and the Parrot!

The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, had just set sail from the shores of England.

It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody was very excited.

No expense had been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of

neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works.

Even Leonardo de Cappuccino, the world's greatest illusionist magician, was on board.

Every night, the great magician would perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of

conjury the passengers had ever seen. On the first night of the voyage, everyone was eager

to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem.

There was this parrot, sitting in his gilded cage near the stage, from where he would

ruin each trick as the magician performed them.

Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed,

and say things like, "Squark! It's up his sleeve!" or "Sqeeek! He's

hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician.

Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder.

The same thing happened the next night,  and the one after that.

Leonardo would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous illusion show.

He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an

effort to fool this annoying parrot.

The fourth night, de Cappuccino was about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage.

The lights were dimmed, a hushed silence swept across the glittering room, a drum roll built

up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performed his final piece de resistance....

when suddenly the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank... (you know the story).

For two whole days, the magician managed to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage,

starving, thirsty, delirious. Then he noticed at the other end of the door, the parrot,

sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. Leonardo thought to himself, "at least

he's not squawking now." For two more days the magician just glowered at him, not saying

a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silent.

Then at the end of the fourth day, the parrot couldn't contain himself any longer,

eyed off the magician, and squawked loudly,

"Alright! I give up! What HAVE you done with the ship?!"


E-Mail: berniehansen@sympatico.ca




Hamilton & District Budgerigar Society Inc.