STUFF THAT TWEAKS MY WARPED FUNNYBONE.

To begin with, have a look at the DARWIN AWARDS,dedicated to those at the shallow end of the gene pool, and who have given their best to help improve the human race.

TORONTO MEGACITY 1998 - how ironic:

A place where the person administering the TTC ticket BOOTHs is named GUNN, while the Police chief administering the forces GUNS is named BOOTHBY;

Where the Mayor of MEGACITY always is the LASTMAN in any discussion.

PROVINCE OF ONTARIO 1998 - how ironic:

Where the Minister overseeing downloading and tax "cuts" is A LEACH.

Where "HARRIS"ment has a new meaning.

PROVINCE OF ONTARIO 1996 - how ironic:

Where the Education Minister is a High School dropout, the Minister of Transport responsible [in part] for mass transit is a used car salesman, and the head honcho over it all is a golf pro whose game is below par.

I hope the following collections will grow with time...




INTERESTING COLLECTIVE NOUNS

(hardly complete - need lots of help):

Of course, we know about such things as a HERD of cows, or a FLOCK of sheep. But there are some other rather descriptive collective nouns.To wit:

-a POD of whales
-a TRIP of goats
-a SCHOOL of fish
-a KINDLE of kittens
-a HUSK of hares
-a GAGGLE of geese
-a PARLIAMENT of owls
-a SLITHER of snakes
-a MUSTER of storks
-a GRIST of bees
-a DRIFT of swine
-a SEDGE of cranes
-an UNKINDNESS of ravens
-a MURDER of crows
-a SERENITY of swans
-an EXULTATION of larks
-a CHARM of finches
-a CHOIR of angels

OXYMORONS:

New Tradition.

Military Intelligence.

Political Ethics.

Morally wrong.

Quantum Leap forward! (as usually used when speaking of a significant advance. Real "quantum leaps" are almost infinitesimally small!)

Painless Dentistry.

Freezer Burn.

"A car is a good investment!"

A VIABLE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE:

Always hope for the best - that way you will always have dreams,
and...
always expect the worst - that way you will never be disappointed.

Then, if you finally get to Heaven and your Maker asks you how you viewed the life He gave you, you can admit to having had a life full of dreams, with no disappointments.

PROVERBIAL PAIRS.

There are two kinds of people in this world - those who would divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who would not.

There are two kinds of fools in this world - schlemiels and schlemozzles. Schlemiels go through life spilling their soup on people. Schlemozzles are the people they spill it on.

Two things happen when one gets old. First, one loses one's memory. Second.....I can't remember the second one.

There are two ways of doing things - my way and the wrong way!

CHURCHILLIANISMS.

"Placing a preposition at the end of a sentence is something up with which I will not put!"

...on being handed a 70+ page `briefing' note, Churchill asked, "Which page do I read?"

...at a party at which Chruchill was tipsy, and which was attended by his arch nemesis, Lady Astor:

the Lady to Churchill: "Sir, you are drunk!"
Churchill's rejoinder: "Madam, you are ugly! In the morning, I shall be sober. You, however, will still be ugly."


A LITTLE DITTY:
"Loving You..."

Your red scarf matches your eyes.
You close cover before striking.
Father had the ship-fitter blues
Loving you has made me bananas.

You burnt your finger that evening
While my back was turned.
I asked the waiter for iodine
but I dined alone!

TWO LITTLE QUATRAINS:
Sevile der dago
Tow senbus es inaro
Nojo demis trux
Summit cowsin summit dux.

Sesame der dacum
Mille jengas trux fularum
Noclem jerong ifere
Demis oelkars fulabere.

(can you decipher them?)




FRANGLISH [FRActured eNGLISH]

SOME GREAT MARKETING SCREW UPs

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

11. An environmental message in Thailand was to read, "OUT OF SIGHT; OUT OF MIND" was translated literally to read "INVISIBLE THINGS ARE INSANE."

SOME OF THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES:

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

-Actual quotes from Church Calendars:

Everyone is welcome to the Easter Pageant, at which time the President ofthe Women's Mission Group will lay an egg on the altar.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

More "Franglish"...

-from an acting and harried manager: "I'm doing two jobs at once - please BARE with me!"

-at a Bangkok drycleaner: "Drop your trousers here for best results."

-from an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

-from a Tokyo hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

-from a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

-from a Norwegian bar: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

-from a Tokyo car rental agency - one of those goofy sounding translations from Japanese to English: "When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor."

-from a Greek tailor who was trying to bring order to a rush season: "Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation."

-from a Hungarian hotel with elevator problems: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

-we adopted our younger daughter from Korea when she was 5-1/2 yearsold, so learning English was a challenge for her - which she met with her usual gusto, and success came quickly. In the process, she produced some comical "franglish"...

--at one time she wanted a trip to a local burger chain for a treat. She requested that we go to "King Booger."

--her school teacher apparently took a few days off with a urinary infection. Our daughter informed us that her teacher was having "trouble with her blabber" and couldn't teach.




Some "Good" Explanations for Absenteeism:

"Dear School: Please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."




Apparently, phone calls to tech support people often go like this:

Caller: :Hello, I'm having trouble with my whangdoodle which is connected to my hoozitfratz. It's just not performing. I get nothing from it."

Techie: "Is it connected properly and turned on?"

Caller: "Is it connected properly and turned on? Of course it is! I followed the instructions to the letter! What sort of idiot do you take me for? I'm not your run of the mill dopehead who can't ....wait a minute....Never mind. It's okay. Forget it." [click]




From the World of Extensions of the Laws of Thermodynamics, we have...

THE LAW OF CONSERVATION OF FILTH, which states:

1. Things get dirty.
2. It is possible to clean something, but only by making something else dirty.
3. However, it is possible for everything to get dirty and nothing to become clean!




STENGELESE - expressions possibly inspired by, or at least exemplified by the classic Casey Stengel/Yogi Berra lines like "Hit 'em where they ain't" or "It ain't over 'til it's over."

The quips of these two masters are well documented, so I will keep to less well known, but equally as clever quips, like:

Alan Lamport's "I deny the allegations and I defy the allegators!"



When my High School English teacher began throwing the words PARONOMASIA and CHIASMUS at us, we thought we were being insulted in another language. Of course she was speaking of the PUN, the HIGHEST form of humour:

You heard about the farmer who went out and bought 50 male goats and 50 female pigs...he went around telling his friends that he had "a hundred sows and bucks" ($100,000.00??) - (groan) I know - an audible pun that doesn't show well in type.

Timmins, Ontario Canada wants to honour its most well-known citizen - C&W songstress Shania Twain - by naming a building after her. They want to call it the TWAIN STATION.




And, of course, the ever-popular SPOONERISMS, like the Rev. Spooner's classic: "It is kistomary to cuss the bride." A few more good ones:

During a drug bust investigation, in Nova Scotia, they noticed a numberof a type of sea bird had eaten some of the drugs, and were acting in apeculiar manner. It was said that no tern was left unstoned during the investigation.

Remember the old song: "I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs, said my pajamas and I put on my prayers. I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light, and all because...."

the solipsist's lament: "Maybe I do not exist either."

One good thing about being a solipsist - paranoia is not a problem!

Logical oddities etc:

What's wrong with these statements:

"I deny all absolutes."

the couplet:
The following statement is true.
The previous statement is false.

Thoughts to ponder:

Is it good to go through life heveled, kempt and gruntled?

What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common? (Their middle name!)

Was he Alexander the Pretty Good before he was Alexander the Great?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Does Dr. Jack Kavorkian sterilize his needles?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is it called a SHIPMENT when it's sent by CAR, and a CARGO when it's sent by SHIP?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because the taste funny?

If a smurf chokes on his dinner, what color will he turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do we call it a TV set when you only get one?

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain noisy?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If you sue a parsley farmer, will the judge garnish his wages?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why is the word "little" twice as big as the word "big?"

If buttermilk goes bad, does it turn sweet?