In 1995, in Star Trek: The Next Generation, the good people on the Enterprise captured a Borg, and eventually decided that instead of using him as a weapon which would completely eliminate the most fearsome enemy the Federation had yet encountered, they would let him go. Perhaps, they thought, having been taught the concept of individuality, the idea would infiltrate the Borg collective (ignoring the fact, of course, that the Borg were more or less constantly assimilating individuals). "But," says Geordi, "he doesn't seem to quite have the idea right," or words to that effect. Well, that gave me a punch line; I only had to build up to it.

Lyrics copyright 1993 by Joel Polowin. Music: "Officer Krupke" from West Side Story, by Leonard Bernstein.

Klingon: Who, me?

Picard: Yes, you. Explain your presence in this system. Is there any reason why I should not tow you back to the nearest starbase?

Klingon: [sings]

Dear kindly Captain Picard,

You gotta understand --

We grow up on unspeakar-

Ble tales of Kahless' Hand.

Our Moms throw heavy objects,

Our Dads throw heavy blows.

And we all get rust-stains from our clothes!

Gee, Captain Picard, we are very upset;

It's bad to grow up with a lobster on yer forehead.

We ain't homicidal, we're misunderstood.

Deep down inside us there is good!

Klingons:

There is good, there is good,

There is untapped good.

Like inside, the worst of us is good.

Klingon: Ain't it though? You should hear the Romulans. [jerks a thumb off-screen]

Worf: Sir! Romulan warbird de-cloaking off the port bow!

[Red lights, divers alarums, shields raised. Romulan commander appears on screen.]

Romulan:

My dear Picard, you wanna

Hear tales that really reek?

We used to all have honor,

But now we lie and sneak.

We all grow up dishonest,

With intrigue all around --

Our home planet's name keeps switchin' round!

Yeah, Captain Picard, you are really unkind,

We Rihannsu are compulsively dishonest, you'll find.

We can't help we're raised to be twisty and curved --

We're psychologically disturbed!

We're disturbed!

We're disturbed, we're disturbed,

We're the most disturbed.

Us Romulans are mentally disturbed.

Romulan: But did you hear correctly? Am I twisted, or are your ears?

Picard: Well, granted, my hearing's not as good as, say, a Ferengi's, but --

Ferengi: [appearing on screen] You rang?

My Dad does speculation,

My brother's into stock;

They pawned all my relations

To get Mom out of hock.

They sold me to a circus,

Said "Dumbo" was my name,

Big-ear Trauma, they're the ones to blame!

Yes, Captain Picard, we are tired of the role;

If it isn't the ears, you're calling all of us "trolls"!

We must have your women, it's not that were sick,

Just that we are all socially thick!

We are thick!

We are thick, we are thick,

We are thick thick thick,

Like we all are socially real thick!

Ferengi: Ooh, the red-headed female hu-man? I bet SHE treats diseases...

Data: Sir, another vessel is approaching. Very large... configuration... cubical.

Picard: Oh, merde.

British peers: <Tzing-BOOM!> [teleporting in] That word is French! [vanishing again]

Borg appears on screen:

You used to be Locutus

But then you got away

We ask that you not shoot us

Until we've had our say

You parsed our Prime Directive,

To "Go ASSIMILATE!":

'It makes an ASS of 'IM, and makes MI LATE!'

Gee, Captain Picard, you are really a pain,

And if that didn't give us enough strain on the brain --

Our internal com-net is coming unglued,

It keeps on repeating "I am Hugh!"

"I am Hugh!"

WE ARE HUGH! WE ARE HUGH!

WE ARE ALL NAMED 'HUGH'!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT WE ARE HUGH!

Romulans: The trouble is we cheat.

Ferengi: The trouble is we're ugly.

Borg: WE ALL THINK HUGH IS NEAT!

Data: Why are they all singing?!

Worf: Their trouble is, they're STRANGE!

All:

Captain, can't you help us make a change?

Gee, Captain Picard, we are down on our knees,

No one believes in villains with behaviour like these!

Gee, Captain Jean-Luc, what on Earth can we do?

Oh, Captain Picard --

Words copyright (C) 1995 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 18 Norice St. / Nepean, Ont. / CANADA / K2G 2X5