Lyrics copyright 1994 by Joel Polowin. With apologies to Frank Hayes, and ducking La Fish.

A while ago, there was a song written about Star Trek. It became immensely popular, and like many popular songs, it got played so much that everybody got really tired of it, especially the song's author. In fact, the only way that most people can stand to cope with it at all now is if it's tightened up a lot, some of the more disposable parts left out, and performed in some unusual way.

Say, talking blues?

When we pulled into Argo port in need of rest and rec,

Our crew spread out and commandeered each joint and holodeck.

We had a heaping helping of their hospitalitee,

But soon found out they weren't cut out to cope with such a spree.

Now, in the interests of brevity, I'll omit the part where the command crew fulfil their mandate of maintaining friendly relations with the local inhabitants. All 47 verses of it.

A gang of pirates landed then and no-one seemed to mind;

They wander'd round to see what entertainment they could find.

Our crew invited all of 'em to set and drink a bit,

But the pirates only looked at us, then turned and said,

"Ooohhhh, SHIT."

Our crew is Starfleet's best, and though that isn't saying much,

Our exploits have been sung in English, Urdu, Greek and Dutch.

We're starting to suspect it's not the damage that they fear,

But all the bloody songs of us that they don't want to hear!

Now, the moral of the song is: Be friendly.

And if you can't be friendly, be popular.

And if you can't be popular, try not to be so catchy, huh?

Words copyright (C) 1994 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 18 Norice St. / Nepean, Ont. / CANADA / K2G 2X5