Joel's Filk Music

Warning: some of the following material is unsuitable for children. Some of it is unsuitable for adults. Some of it is just plain unsuitable. ("We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to her guardian Ko-ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was hopeless.")

"Acts of ..." — In lieu of "Acts of Procreation", I did a couple of other verses.

"Beverley's Lament" — Can you imagine living with a pre-teen, no-common-sense-at-ALL Wesley Crusher?

"Big Blue Room" — A C++ chantey

"Blink" — Some monsters look harmless... while you're looking.

Recent"Blog Writer's Waltz" — I know a number of bloggers. This isn't intended to snark at them.

"Block of AGIS" — For the #1 provider of junk E-mail in North America.

"The Bug Came Back" — "So push the button, you suicidal goons! We're indestructible!" It was distributed on rec.humor.funny and is in their archives.

"Can't Do It Yourself" — "I can't do a damn thing with the things I find at home." My entry in the 1994 FilKONtario song competition about "Technology".

"A Chat With Your Con Chair" — A.K.A. "The N-word song". People who help run conventions understand.

"Cut Velvet" — My entry in the 1997 OVFF song contest ("Monster Mash" division) --- won 2nd place!

"Dear Kindly Captain Picard" — West Side Story meets Star Trek with just a touch of Iolanthe.

"Diplomacy" — My entry in the 2005 FilKONtario song contest. Certain conveniences seem to be missing from starships.

"Drink V-308!" — I don't care what it looks like, it's good for you.

"Eo-SF" — My entry in the 2006 Concertino song contest, on the theme of “Before the Dawn”.

"Everybody's Moonbase" — Don't you just hate it when a nuclear accident blasts the moon out of orbit?

"The Exams That They Give in the Spring" — Tra-la. Or maybe not. Probably not.

"Fa-la-la-la-ing" — Medieval recreational naughtiness.

"15 Bugs" — My entry in the 1998 FilKONtario song contest.

"50 Ways to Kill an Ensign" — The first of my Red-Shirt Syndrome songs, I think. It was included in the "Best of rec.humor.funny" archives.

"Flies" — My entry in the 2006 OVFF song contest.

"Guild of Fools" — My entry in the 2000 FilKONtario song contest, about Terry Pratchett's Discworld characters.

"The 'Got No Paparazzi' Polka" — A tribute of sorts to Lady Di. Heavy-handed? Me? Never.

"Hey, That's No Way To Get Laid" — Leonard Cohen meets Leslie Fish. WARNING: Lyrics may be unsuitable/offensive.

"I Send Spam" — From the point of view of a spammer. WARNING: Lyrics may be unsuitable/offensive.

"I Didn't Do It" — A generic excuse song. It wasn't me, I wasn't there at the time...

"I'm My Own Damn Law" — Vigilante "justice" at its finest.

"Klingon Country Vampire" — Blame Michael Longcor and Mark Osier.

"The Laddie" — A parody of Jodi Krangle's lovely song "The Lady". Another of my Red-Shirt things. Jodi hasn't killed me yet. She hasn't caught me yet.

"The L.E.D.s" — Poking fun at Boston police overreaction.

"Like a Tribble to the Slaughter" — Argo: the good-parts version

"Liquor Boxes" — Christine Lavin may be "Gettin' used to leavin'". I'm not.

"The Magic Game" — About "the crack cocaine of fantasy gaming"

"Mammoth Love" — My entry in the 2007 Conterpoint song contest, on the theme of “True Love”.

"March in Cambreadth" — Drip, drip, squelch

"March of the Penguins" — My entry in the 2008 Contata song contest, on the theme of “To Life”.

"McCaffrey!" — Yes, the lady of Pern. Her name isn't that hard to spell.

"The Medical Toy" — I recommend Dr. Seuss's You're Only Old Once.

"The Mike Har-Do's Song" — For a CBC radio contest, Mike Harris' theme song.

"Moments" — Unfortunate awkwardness at "tender moments". Somewhat bawdy.

"Motherhood" — Three! Three! Three of Judith Hayman's songs in one!

Mozart Limerick — Short and sweet, for a CBC contest.

"New Age" — My entry in the 1996 FilKONtario song contest on "Magic". The scary thing is that every bit of this stuff is really truly believed by some people.

"NSEA Protector / Crewman Number 6" — Redshirts! Redshirts onna stick! A Galaxy Quest filk.

"The Old Filk Singer" — Spreading joy wherever he goes…

"Painting With the Cobalt Blues" — It's not easy being an SF cover artist.

"Parallax" — More ST: Voyager silliness.

"Plumbing the Depths" — My entry in the 2003 FilKONtario song contest ("Travellers of the Deep") --- won 3rd place. Unfortunate effects of pollutants on deep-sea critters...

"Revenge of the Baby-Sat" — The Incredibles and "Jack-Jack Attack!" crossed with Daniel Glasser's lovely little lullabye. Contains spoilers for the movies.

"Ring-A-Rosie" — My entry in the 2006 FilKONtario song contest ("a song based on one of Tolkien's works"). We rarely hear about Rosie Cotton's side of the story.

"Roadrunner No More!" — He's a Super genius, but he ain't too swift.

"Seven Leagues a Step" — Third-place winner in the Conterpoint 2004 contest. Research has its hazards...

New"64" — Bad Puns R Us

"Sci-Fi Science" — My entry in the 2003 Concertino song contest, poking fun at the scientific blunders of most popular SF.

Newest"SUV Driver" — Some drivers are particularly dangerous to cyclists, and a disproportionate number of them seem to be in SUVs.

"To Space (vt.)" — My entry in the 1999 FilKONtario song contest.

"Too Many Books" — From FilKONtario 1992. Yes, it is possible to have too many books.

Recent"Untitled Awful Pun" — To describe the content would probably give away the punch line. But do pass it along to a bagpipe player you particularly want to impress.

Newest"Uncanny Valley" — The "uncanny valley" effect as manifested in real-life humanoid figures. Somewhat bawdy.

"Universal Translator" — My entry in the 2002 FilKONtario song contest; placed 3rd. The translator is one of Star Trek's less-consistent bits of technology.

"Voyager" — My first impressions of Star Trek: Voyager. A bit lame.

"Vulcan Logical Time Bomb" — Christine Lavin thought that human female reproductive twitchiness was bad… This piece is not necessarily suitable for adults, at least not squeamish ones.

"Waltz for Organs and Vulcan Harp" — A parody of Judith Hayman's interesting song "Waltz for Organs and Guitar". Where have all the red-shirts gone? Judith seemed to like it, but she's... well, the kind of person who would write a "Waltz for Organs and Guitar".

"(What A) Wonderful Night" — Abstinence is fine as an informed choice; ignorance is... dangerous. Slightly bawdy.

"Wielding a Red Pen" — My entry in the 2001 FilKONtario song contest. Some writers need a lot more editing, to say nothing of their books.

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