My entry in the 1994 OVFF song contest ("Best Tom Smith song not written by Tom Smith"). Tom noted, in his amazing on-the-spot response, that "the song is much too healthful to be written by Tom Smith". (Thanks to Harry Smothers for singing it on my behalf.)

Lyrics copyright 1994 by Joel Polowin. To "307 Ale" by Tom Smith.

There's many healthful drinks you'll drink from ev'ry health food place
There's alfalfa cocktail, cran-carrot fizz, and a good old spinach-prune shake
There's lime-and-lentil, leek-and-lima swirl -- but no mistake
The most nutritious drink you'll ever drink's V-308, me boys
Drink V-308!

[Chorus:]

Drink V-308, me boys, drink V-308

The most nutritious, healthful drink there's ever been to date

It'll fill you full of energy, it'll make your muscles great

There's nothing that you'll ever swallow like V-308, me boys

Drink V-308!

It started down at Berkeley, the Wellness place renowned
When a couple of the biochemists felt a bit run-down
They wanted a quick pick-me-up, they ran a bit amuck
So they re-wired a cyclotron, a juicer to construct

They threw in fruits and veggies, wheat germ, and some other things
They neglected the magnetic collimation of the ring
They'd thrown sufficient iron in to bugger up the field
The next they knew, the product goo had flowed and then congealed

The product was fluorescent and it seemed to pulse and churn
The biochemists looked at it and felt a bit concerned
They started to assay it and it read right off the scale
The vitamins and minerals enough to choke a whale

[Music changes to "Lily the Pink" / "Lydia Pinkham":]

There are many
Healthful drinks you'll drink
This blows them
All away-hay-hay

[Back to "307 Ale":]

One hundred fifty four percent of U.S. R.D.A...
No matter what your problem is, no matter what you've got
From broken heart to broken leg, it cures you like a shot!

Drink V-308, me boys, drink V-308

The most nutritious, healthful drink there's ever been to date

It'll fill you full of energy, it'll make your muscles great

It'll make you grow up straight and tall

Your mother won't complain at all

There's nothing that you'll ever swallow like V-308!

Words copyright (C) 1994 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 18 Norice St. / Nepean, Ont. / CANADA / K2G 2X5