Rest in Peace
Elementary, My dear Watson
Important Warning from MNR
A Girl Named Marylou
A "New" type of Toilet
The Scottish Student
The Antenna Raising Incident
Death of a Salesman
New Viruses to watch out for
to Frank's Funnies page.
We at TRAC try to keep the content of this page somewhat tasteful so
we're skimming off the naughty stuff.
Updating this page will be sparodic at best,
but the newest material will always be on top.
73 de TRAC
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 Mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two
in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route
Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it
said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had
told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist
said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry
you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved
to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes,"
then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She
made me a better offer."
Elementary, my dear Watson>
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets... Astrologically,
it tells me that Saturn is in Leo... Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three... Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and insignificant... Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a
maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When
it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is
such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and
told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles
to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time
she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it,
she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she
putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just
as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting
her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one
leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin
and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other
cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone
farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more
times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and
she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Important Warning from MNR
The Ministry of Natural Resources of Ontario, recently
issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
MNR is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions
and keep alert of bears while in the field.
"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing
so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen
to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
A Girl Named Marylou
A fellow was sitting quietly reading his paper
when his wife sneaked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it," she replied.
"I can explain a that", said he. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, apologized and went off to make his favourite
Three days later he was again sitting in his chair reading when she
nailed him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When
he came to, he asked,
"What the heck was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse just phoned."
A "new" type of toilet
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming
from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're
scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time
I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The Scottish Student
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to
study at an English university and was living in the residence hall. After
he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one
on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors?" "I do nothing. I ignore them and remain here in the room playing
Train Tickets (Engineers & Lawyers)
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Watch and
you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The lawyers
take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference,
the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some
money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch
and you'll see" says an engineer. When they board the train the three lawyers
cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks
on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
The Antenna Raising Incident
I'm writing in response to your request for additional
Information for Block Number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form.
I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You said in your letter I should explain more fully. And I trust the following
details will be sufficient.
"I am an amateur radio operator and on the day,
of the accident. I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot
tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the
course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 lbs. of tools
and hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and materials down
by hand , I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using
A pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of
"Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the
top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. I
went back to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure
a slow decent of the 300 lbs. of tools. You will note in Block Number 11
of the Accident Reporting Form, I weigh only 155 lbs.
"Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground
so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side
of the tower and when the tools hit the ground, the bottom fell out
of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed
approximately 20 lbs. I refer you again to my weight in Block Number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid decent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up; this
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and
"The encounter with the barrel slowed me down enough
to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of tools, and fortunately
only 3 vertabrae were cracked. I'm sorry to report, however, that as I
lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand, and watching The empty
barrel 80 foot above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of
Death of a Salesman
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was
not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale
he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John
for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough
syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told
him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask
John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't
find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all
at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning
on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about
what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands
to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it