Here are some jokes, funny stories, (supposedly) actual church bulletin announcements, and advertising mishaps - just good clean humour to tickle your funny bone, to relieve stress, or to give you a break from reading the Lord's Words and your bible studies.
A husband can lets his wife know he loves her by buying her flowers; a grandson can do the same, with a fistful of dandelions.
A woman asked a clerk at a garden centre if the plant she had chosen was a house plant or should it be planted outdoors. After a short pause, the clerk answered: "Plant it outdoors, if it dies - then it was a house plant."
A young person was so excited when they bought their first car that it didn't matter that it was a standard drive and they didn't know how to use the clutch. One day they were practising in the driveway and as the car kept lurching up and down, a four-year-old from next door asked: "Does that car drive? Or does it just hop?"
The caretaker had been laying a new carpet on the pulpit platform and had left a number of tacks scattered on the floor. The parson who was known for lingering on points in his sermons, said to the caretaker, "Now see here," said the parson, "what do you suppose would happen if I stepped on one of those tack right in the middle of my sermon?" "Well sir," replied the caretaker, "I reckon that would be one point you wouldn't linger on!"
A young lady stalled her car at a traffic light one cold winter day. She stamped on the starter, tried again, flooded the engine, and fumbled hopelessly around among incomprehensible gadgets. All the while behind her, an impatient driver honked his horn steadily. Finally the young lady got out and walked back to the other car. "I'm awfully sorry, sir," she said pleasantly, "but I don't seem to be able to start my car. If you will come and start it for me, I"ll be glad to stay here and lean on your horn."
Bars are something which, if you go into too many of, you are apt to come out singing a few of, and maybe land behind some of.
Fred, a new employee had been caught coming in late for work three times, and the fourth morning the foreman decided to read the riot act. "Look here Fred," he snapped, "don't you know what time we start work around here?" "No sir," replied Fred, "they're always working when I get here!"
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
On a page from a - BAPTIST INFORMATION SERVICE: Vol. 4, Issue #26, July 3, 2000
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position, and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning division and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a quality control (QC) division and hired two (2) people, one (GS-9) to do the studies and one (GS-11) to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a payroll division with a time keeper (GS-9) and a payroll officer (GS-11), and hired two (2) people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative division and hired three (3) people: an Admin Officer (GM-13), Assistant Admin Officer (GS-13), and a Legal Secretary (GS-8).
Then, one year later, Congress reviewed the operation of the desert scrapyard and said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back overall costs!" So they eliminated the night watchman.
From CBX Newsletter Jan.16/01
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said the father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
The following were e-mailed to me and, are (Supposedly) ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS from ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETINS - original source unknown
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Frank Beldar.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Franster will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Estaban to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance".
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
End of (supposedly) actual church announcements
The following advertising mishaps, were e-mailed to me, the original source is unknown
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Employment needed: Man, honest, will take anything.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
End of advertising mishaps