Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender
says, "For you, no charge."
The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the M�bius Strip? To get to the other side.
Caveat: nerds of the world are arguing if this joke should end with
"same side" or "other side". One point of view is that a M�bius Strip
only has one side. But if you started and experiment with fast chicken-a and
slow chicken-b on opposite sides (from a local perspective) of the same
plane, fast chicken-a would eventually catch up to slow chicken-b. Time to
test this hypothesis with an experiment: cut a strip of looped paper then
fuse it end-to-end so it is now a loop with no twist. Draw a colored line on
the inner surface of the loop. Now cut the loop, insert a twist, then close
the loop. Moving 360 degrees around the loop allows you to traverse the
surface with the colored line while another 360 degrees allows you to
traverse the surface without the colored line. I now forget why the joke was
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve
any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve
any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get
out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature
superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve
any bacteria in this bar. The two bacteria say, "Hey, but we work here.
Schr�dinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
A parasite walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! No parasite are
welcome in this bar." The parasite says, "Well, you're not a very good
An infrared photon walks into a bar and says, "Is it hot in here, or is it
A scientist is denied entrance to a microbiology lab. When he asks why, he
is told that it is for "Staph Only"
Why are molecular biologists fashionable? They wear designer genes.
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its
What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the
world? A man of many cultures
A Higgs boson walks into a [Catholic] church and the priest says "thank god you made
it, we cant have mass without you."
Why was Heisenberg's wife never satisfied? Answer: When he had the time he didn't
have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve
your kind here!" The mushroom says, "Aw c'mon bartender, I'm a fungi (fun
Charlie was a chemist. But Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was
H2O was H2SO4
Heisenberg stopped by the police for speeding. They asked him if he knew
how fast he was going and he replied: "No, but I know where I am".
In other news, DNA helicase was arrested this morning for unzipping his
genes in public.
Two high school chemistry students walk into a bar tended by an irate
Ph.D. chemist who was down sized from a major corporation. The first kid
says, "I'll have some H20." The barkeep serves the water, knowing there will
be no tip. The second kid says, "I'll have some H20 too." The bartender
says, we don't serve minors in this oxidation state.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its
diameter? Answer: Pumpkin Pi!
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? Answer:
Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Two mathematicians are watching the front door of a building. Two people
walk in, then a few minutes later three people walk out. The first
mathematician says to the second "if one more person walks in, there will be
zero people inside"
- A climate scientist and a climate change denier
walk into a bar. The scientist surveys the room and says to
the bartender, I'll have what 98 percent everybody here is having.
The bartender turns to the denier and says, how about you? The
denier replies, I'll wait to see what the other two percent think.
A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a
bar. The denier says, bartender, show me your strongest
whiskey. The bartender says, this one here. It's 95 percent alcohol.
The denier slams down his fist and leaves the bar in a hurry. The
scientist says, you know, that's the problem with these guys. You
show them the proof, and they still don't buy it. (for
people who do not consume alcohol, "the proof" is a measurement of
- A climate scientist and a
climate change denier walk into a bar. The denier orders a
beer. The bartender says, bottle? Denier says, no, draft. I have an
incisor that gets in a way. And the climatologist says, that's an
Kitchener - Waterloo - Cambridge, Ontario, Canada.