by: Jun Santos
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count
votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke
it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
I keep reading between the lies.
The chickens have come home to roast.
Dunking is bad taste but taste good.
On a school chalkboard: Double negative is a no-no.
The sky is poor tonight--the moon is down to its last quarter.
Life is
sexually transmitted.
Pickpocket
motto: Every crowd has a silver lining.
Is
castration eunuch punishment for convicted rapist?
It is bad
manner to break your bread and roll in your soup.
Sign in a
gynecologist office: Dr. Jones at your cervix.
Pediatricians
are doctors of little patients.
Medical
specialists are like pelican--they can be recognized by the size of their
bills.
Dental
proverb: Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false to you.
Sign
outside a hotel: Inn-experience persons wanted.
Sign on a
computer store front door: Out for a quick byte.
Did you
hear about a deaf-mute who'd picked up a wheel and spoke?
Did you
hear about a blind lady who'd picked up a hammer and saw?
One
Indian chief to another, " Long time no Sioux."
Toronto
Star: Deaf Mute Gets a New Hearing in killing
A farmer
is a handy man with a sense of humus.
Cannibals
are not vegetarians. They are humanitarians.
A
missionary gave the cannibals their first taste of religion.
Racial
prejudice is a pigment of imagination.
For
Halloween: "Here today, goon tomorrow."
Eat,
drink and be merry for tomorrow we diet.
Her indecision
is final.
They call
him "Jigsaw" because every time he faces a problem he goes to pieces.
Two TV
antennae towers were married. The ceremony was terrible but reception was
great.
Mummies
were so wrapped up, they have trouble keeping friends.
You'll
find treasure chest on Pamela Lee Anderson.
Dropouts
have no classes.
Is the
nose the scenter of the face?
A fellow
sat all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. Finally it dawned
on him.
Sign on a
deli snack-bar jar: "Support Counter Intelligence"
A guy
went to a machine shop and had his shoulder blade sharpened.
War does
not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
It takes
many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it in.
A man who
drives like hell is bound to get there.
Wife who
puts her husband in a doghouse will eventually find him in a cathouse.
Baseball
is wrong - a man with four balls cannot walk.
A man who
walks through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
A Filipino guy was hired by the circus as contortionist. He was the first Manila Folder.
The
record book shows that the largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
When
George Burns said he was a comedian, everyone laughed at him.
Pogo
stick makes people jumpy!
Did you hear
about the ship that sailed from Taiwan with a cargo of yo-yo's? It
sank 184 times.
An art
dealer was late for auction. He does have Monet to buy Degas to make his Van
Gogh.
What kind
of streets do zombies like best? Dead ends.
The
inventor of rocket went out to launch.
When
dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
At a flea
circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
Another
sci-fi movie about baseball: The Umpire Strikes Back
Two
parrots perch on a tree. "Did you smell fish?" asked one.
Elevator
companies have their ups and downs.
An
employee in an automobile factory was fired for taking a brake.
I know a
baker who hired a loafer.
The first
40,000-story building was a library.
When
corduroy pillow covers were sold, they made headlines.
When soda
was first bottled, the inventor's son said "That's my pop."
Pickle-makers
favorite show: "Let's make a dill".
The price
of feathers has increased. Now, even down is up.
The first
thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
A
Photofinisher said: "Some day my prints will come."
The man
who invented boomerang tried for a come back.
A
Hungarian religious leader was found Buddha pest.
In 1996
the first all-white Dalmatian was spotted.
A special
pail was invented for electric milking machines, because one good urn deserves
an udder.
When the
first adding machines were used, they were so successful that they started to
multiply.
The flea
market started from scratch.
When
thread was first made, everyone said, "Darn it."
In1803,
the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, "Soot yourself."
Chimpanzees
were raised in Texas. It was the first monkey ranch.
Two silkworms
were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
My
optician is a man of vision.
There's
an underground movement in our city--it is called subway.
When I
saw my first strands of gray hair, I thought I would dye!
There is
one thing that counts on business--a computer.
When two
egotists meet, It's an "I" for an "I".
Sign on a
window of a clock shop: If it doesn't tick - tock to us.
At
Christmas, children would like something that would separate men from toys.
In
Hollywood, it's not who you know, it's who you "yes".
Thanks
God! I'm an Atheist!
It's bad
luck to believe in superstitions.
Looking
for a bargain? Go where the auction is.
"Are
you a man or a mouse? Squeek up!"
Exterminators:
We make mouse calls."
Gesundheit: The answer to a common cold.
Noah
remarked, "Now, I herd everything."
A small
town jail is named Amoebae. It has only one cell.
The
inventor of a car muffler said, it was an exhausting work.
Dental
floss was invented in 1939. That's the tooth.
When the
inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied "Of
corset does."
When the
first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
The Only
person who makes a long story short is an editor.
Electricians
always worry about current events.
If you
want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in.
Some
women find that it takes a wile to land a husband.
Lefties
have rights too!
Sign on the
door of a private detective's office: "Out to haunch".
Once
you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.
A newly
hatched chick starts from scratch.
Harpist,
to be accepted as a member of an orchestra, has to pull a lot of strings.
Sundials
are old-timers.
Hypochondriac
is a person whose life is a bed of neuroses.
Did you
hear about the opera singer impersonator who billed himself as "Placebo
Domingo"?
Did you
hear about the overnight ballerina who had to wear a "three-three"?
Did you hear
about a workaholic who was charged with resisting a rest?
Procrastination
is a pile of would.
Some
people won't eat escargot. They prepare fast foods.
Sign on a
maternity ward door: "Push! Push! Push"
When
going ice skating, do not judge a brook by its cover.
Did you
hear about a cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
An
inheritance is a dead giveaway.
Folks who
work from nine to five are shiftless.
An awl is
a tool that does the hole job.
Dental
x-rays are toothpics.
Sign on a
barber shop window: "We stand behind our works".
Sign on a
dairy company truck: "You can whip our cream, but you can not beat our
milk.
Sign
outside the store that sells satellite antennas: "We do dishes".
A driver
blows his own horn.
A sugar
grower raises canes.
A trampoline
has its ups and downs.
A man who
makes faces all day works in a clock factory.
A car
with a broken horn just won't give a "hoot".
The
hardest thing about a young person leaving home for the first time is giving up
fridge benefits.
Retired
journalists' club was named "EX-PRESS".
Ginger
snaps are photos of Rogers
A
pessimist views the world through woes-colored glasses.
Nero's
favorite song: "Smoke gets in your eyes".
A
fingerprint expert is a man of whorl.
Sigmund
Freud suggested "Go for 'id'".
Sign on a
hot dog delivery van: "The Weiner and still champion".
Sign on a
supper club: "Luau night - Eat, Drink and be Maui".
Sign
outside a seafood restaurant: "We make your every fish come
true."
Sign on a
Mexican eatery billboard: "Chili today, Hot Tamale".
A gossip
is someone who is the knife of the party.
You know
your old when you've lost all your marvels.
A Far
Eastern monk who sells reincarnations is a "Used Karma Dealer".
Mr.
Cyanide in LA asked to speak to Mrs. Arsenic in NYC. It's a poison to poison
call.
A weaver,
creating a woodland scene, has a loom with a view!
A guy got
a job as a human cannon ball. He was hired and fired at the same night.
I keep
reading between the lies.
Twins: 2
much.
The way
most fishermen catch fish is by the tale.
The only way
to stop smoking is to just stop--no ifs and or no butts.
On a
school chalkboard: Double negative is a no-no.
The
chickens have come home to roast.
A real
Machete can cut a cow in half - and that's no bull.
When
asked how's business, piano tuner said "Grand", waiter
"Tipical", author "All write", flying
instructor "Soaring" and auto dealer "It auto
increase".
A soprano
is a woman with smooth sailing on the high C's.
A forger
is always ready to write a wrong.
A
censor's job is to stick his no's into other people's business.
Sign on a
pest control company office door: "What's bugging you?"
Heard in
an office: "That phone number rings a bell."
She has a
hang-up about chandeliers.
Banning
the pill is inconceivable.
The
Toronto Star: Drunk gets nine months in a
violin case.
Sign in a
service station: "Stud tires out"
Warning
sign in a propane storage area: "People should evacuate when gas odor is
present."
The owner
of a second hand car knows how hard it is to drive a bargain.
Seconds
count, especially when dieting.
At the
garage sale, you get the pick of the litter.
TV game
shows are where contestants go on winning shriek.
Exit sign
at a dentist office: "OUTch".
Did you
hear about a chiropractor who got nothing but back talk?
Sign in a
bakery: "You are the object of our confections."
Sign in a
dinner: "Our coffee urns its praise."
Sign in a
fruit and vegetable market: "The best watermelon you ever seed."
Sign in
an Italian restaurant: "We offer you pizza and quiet."
Sign in a
delicatessen: "Our cream cheese bagels the mind."
Sign in a
country golf club: "If you drink, don't drive - don't even putt."
Sign in a
bank: "Every spring we get loanly."
Boarding
a plane is a frisky business.
An
elderly lady threading a needle muttered: "We just don't meet eye to
eye."
"Sects!
Sects! Sects!" said one monk to the other. "Is that all you think
about?"
A man who
is scared of Christmas is a Noel Coward.
Did you
hear about a prince who turned into a frog at the croack of dawn?
Drive carefully
- avoid the mourning after.
There's
no doubt about it - women are here to say.
One horse
to the other: "I don't remember your mane but your pace is familiar."
Sign in a
dog hospital: Hospital zone. No barking!
The
president of the tailor's union held a press conference.
The first
nudist convention received little coverage.
The man
who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The
inventor of the lighter fluid became flamous.
When the
first miniskirts became popular, worried husband said thigh is the limit.
The
gardener's union passed out leaflet.
The first
janitor's union called for sweeping reform.
The first
lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
When the
first book written on watch making, everyone thought it was about time.
The man who
invented football got a kick out of it.
When the
first broom was made, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When
Charles Atlas, the strongman, joined the circus, he carried the whole show.
When the
first chocolate was manufactured, the inventor said "Isn't that
sweet?"
Soda pop
was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
The first
artificial fish was a plastic sturgeon.
Miners
who wear illuminated helmet say it make them feel lightheaded.
Bee farm
was started by a man who wanted to be buzzy.
The
waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
The first
horse motel was opened to provide animal with a stable environment.
Artificial
snow produces snow fakes.
Metal dog
leases was first sold only in chain stores.
When the
first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the
first diving school opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the
first margarine was produced, people said it was butter than nothing.
The first
airplane hanger was built for drip-dry planes.
In 1621 a
pilgrim band began playing, because they want to see Plymouth Rock.
A
clockmaker has a clock that makes him "rise and chime."
A
winemaker has a slogan: "Sip into something more comfortable.
The first
submarine sandwich was introduced in 1898, but the company went under.
Barbed
wire was first used for de fence.
In 1881
the Kentucky Derby announcer told everyone that "Poison Ivy" was
scratched
When
surgical stitches was first used, the inventor said, "Suture self."
Dieters
practice girth control.
At a recent
Arabian embassy ball everyone danced shiek-to-shiek.
Rubber
gloves come in very handy.
When
chicken soup was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
Sandals
were made by a man who felt that the shoe must go on.
When
tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-day.
When the
first canine scale was first made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
The first
dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first
man's leather belt cost only 99 cent - less than a buckle.
When the first
bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry's spokes-man.
In 1879,
the first branding iron was used. The cattle were really impressed.
Venetian
blinds are manufactured by shady characters.
When the
first pain killer was first marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
At the
Wimbledon, cigarette lighters were given as prizes to tennis players who won a
match
I know a
lingerie buyer who gave his wife a slip.
When a
fresh guy tried to make a pass at the librarian, she threw the book at him.
She was
only a necktie salesgirl, but she knew how to collar her man.
Some
roulette tables frequently take a turn for the bettor.
When the
matador turned baseball player, he could always be found in the bullpen.
Marlon
Brando and thousands of other Americans have reservations about Indians!
As a
writer, using pen and ink, I find the most absorbing thing is the blotter.
A
plasterer named his son Wally.
All
people were petrified during the Stone Age.
A
shoemaker's favorite TV program: "Awl in the family."
The reason
why no one ever gives a groom a shower is that everyone figures he's a washed
up.
A monster
with a drip-dry suit is called: A wash-and-were-wolf.
A Great
Dane is a dog that has the house broken before he is.
A couple
went to a date, Dutch treat, and danced check-to-check.
Sign on
an undertaker's door: We're the last one to take you down.
Cold cash
is what is kept in air-conditioned bank.
Sign
found in a tailor shop: Closed for Alterations.
Heard in
a fish market: Wholly Mackerel!!
Sign in
an Optometrist office: Power to the pupils.
Sign at a
restaurant: Our fish come from the best schools.
A baby
usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A gossip
columnist is one who writes other's wrongs.
Modern housewife
is one who dresses fit to kill and cooks the same way.
Sign at a
blood bank: Donate now! Don't let us be caught with our pints down.
Sign at a
reducing salon: Stop! Look! Lessen!
Sign at a
home-security system store: Been burglarized? Get alarmed!!
I know a
jockey who is still horsing around.
An
advertisement for backless gown read: Back is beautiful!
Epitaph
in a dog cemetery: He never met a man he didn't lick.
Overheard
at a bowling alley: You could hear a pin drop.
TV show
for a new doctor's series: "Of Human Bandage".
I have a
turtle that wears "people-neck" sweaters.
To a dog,
the pest thing in life is flea!
Siamese
twins underwent a surgery in Prague and emerged as separate Czechs.
Betty
Crocker is a flour child.
Sign
outside a boatyard: Yachts of Luck.
Sign at a
charge-card office: Let's give cash a little credit.
Perfume
stand sign: One-scent sale.
Sign at a
lumberyard: Come see. Come saw.
All she
knows about cooking is how to bring a man to a boil.
He kept
his date out till the oui hours of the morning.
Sign on
the gate of a Canadian nudist camp: Clothed for the winter.
Men make
passes at girls who wear glasses. It depends on their frames.
Sign on a
car wash: Grime doesn't pay.
Heavy fog
gives cars the creeps.
The trouble
with political promises is that they go in one year and out the other.
It was
not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in
the Garden of Eden.
A French
horn player's toupee fell inside his instrument. He spent the rest of
the evening blowing his top.
A bicycle
can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's
the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Time
flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A
backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy
it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a
boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken
crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you
don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her
marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a
piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The man
who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel
stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local
Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often
broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every
calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled
egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a
photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau
is a high form of flattery.
Those who
get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Those who
jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Marathon
runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.