We constantly hear how all these beautiful women are really looking for
a guy with a sense of humour. What that really means is they're looking
for someone who laughs when they max out your credit card; a guy who guffaws
when they catch you with the pool boy. I know a few guys that giggled uncontrolably
when they're wives left them and took half of everything they own, but
I don't think that counts. (They're still giggling when I see them on Visiting
Day.) These same women are sadly lacking when it comes to their own sense
of ha-ha, however.
For example, not many women find it funny when you take them to McDonalds
for their anniversary. (Even if you do Super Size it.)
I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps BAEN is in actuality a top secret Black
Ops recycling plant. You mail them your unsolicited manuscripts and then
they're all: "Quick, drop this in the Recycle-O-Tron. We'll turn this one
into festive Christmas napkins and environmentally friendly toilet paper."
Cause that would really explain a lot.
I pulled a hamstring Monday night, doing wind sprints, which I was basically
doing to prevent myself from pulling my hamstring. So that worked out well.
And I'm writing again. I've averaged at least a thousand words a day for
the last few days. I'm hoping to keep that up over the Christmas break
at least, and maybe even after for a while. I'm not scheduled to teach
again until February, but apparently I'm slated to join the D&D team.
At first I thought, "Woo hoo! Dungeons and Dragons," but it turns out it
stands for Design and Development. Not near as much fun. Basically it means
me and five other people get to totally redesign the entire Canadian Forces
Avionics Training Program. That's right--hordes of work, steep learning
curve, probably very little time to write.
You'd think there'd be at least one patron of the arts out there willing
to spare a measly sixty grand a year to sponsor a Canadian writer. But
So the new band seems to be a go. Here's the song list so far:
You Oughta Know - Alanis
I Love Myself Today
- Bif Naked
I Think I'm Paranoid
Only Happy When it
Rains - Garbage
Bitch - Meredith
Piece of My Heart -
Move Over - Janis
Me'n Bobby Magee -
How You Remind Me -
New Orleans is Sinking
- Tragically Hip
This Morning - Wide
Right Through You -
Go My Way - Lenny
Sweet Child of Mine
- Guns N Roses
Fine Again - Seether
Simple - Collective
I Love Rock and Roll
- Joan Jett
So, what do you think?
Pen and I went to the Squadron Christmas party on Friday, which was fun.
We both won a door prize, which was characteristically uncommon; usually
everyone at our table but us wins one, and we were the only ones at our
table who did. Mind you, we won a collapsible garden hose and one of those
little trolley thingies you use for sliding under your car to do repairs,
but still, we won.
It snowed like the dickens the night of the Christmas Party, too, so by
the time we returned from the festivities the plow had gone by and plowed
in our driveway. What a lovely way to top off the evening--shoveling out
the driveway. If only I could have scheduled a root canal I could have
finished the night off on a high note.
Of course it snowed again after I went to bed, so we got plowed in again.
I'd was about three quarters done shoveling out the end of the driveway
when the plow went by and filled it in again. I thought, okay, that's funny
in a pie-in-the-face kind of way. (Well, at least it's funny when it happens
to someone else.) So I dug the driveway out again--just as the little sidewalk
plow came by and ploughed me in again.
Of course you know this means war.
And my daughter brought her new boyfriend by the other night to meet us.
He seems like a nice enough guy, so I put the shovel and lime away. Pen
says she must really like this guy as he's the first one Chantel has ever
brought over to meet me. I said, "Either that or he's expendable."
Of course they got lost trying to find our place. They basically had to
follow a straight road until they came to the end, and then turn left in
the direction of the big sign that said BASE BORDEN. After calling for
directions at least four times, and backtracking twice, they finally made
An English Major, and a Physics Major, eh?
We put up the tree last night. That's how I know it's Christmas. Well,
that and the fact that there's little dishes of chocolates all over the
house with notes on them from Pen saying: DON'T TOUCH. I'm assuming she
means me. If she was really smart, the notes would say: DON'T EAT.
I love loopholes.
I keep hearing all this crap about things would be so much better if women
ruled the world. Well, first of all….don't they?
And second, give me a break. I can just imagine women outfitting the Canadian
Military, buying new fighter jets not because they're versatile, have great
range, are maneuverable, or can carry heavy ordinance. But because they're
Sure, they'd probably get them on sale, but still.
And forget about forest green camouflage, or desert brown. I mean, no one
can see you when you wear it, and it doesn't go with anything else you
own. And don't get me started on shoes….
So I was at the mall yesterday, dressed in my usual black trench coat and
black just-about-everything-else, waiting for Pen outside the restrooms,
when this little blonde spike-haired kid, no more than eight years old,
comes up to me and asks very politely: "Are you a vampire slayer?"
So I looked down at him, nodded, and said, "Shhh…don't tell anyone. It's
Of course his eyes got all big and he asked, "Are there any vampires here?"
"Not anymore," I told him.
His mother approached me rather embarrassed and said, "He's been all worried
about vampires ever since his dad took him to see Blade 3."
I considered telling the kid that there was no such thing as real vampires
(I think) but figured his parents had probably already told him that and
he wasn't buying it. So I took a quarter out of my pocket, knelt down and
said, "See this quarter. It's a special quarter. It's silver, and vampires
hate silver. And not only that, it was blessed by a priest. You keep this
quarter with you and vampires won't come anywhere near you."
The kid looks all impressed, and takes the quarter solemnly and places
it in his pocket, then says, "Do you have one for my mom, too?"
I laughed, and gave his mom one, and they both said thanks and went back
to their shopping.
Who knew being a vampire slayer could be so expensive?
I just spent an hour and a half shovelling out the driveway so Pen could
get to work. Today wasn't bad; Pen didn't have to be at work until 11:30,
but tomorrow she starts at 8:30. It's still snowing, so of course I'll
have to do it again later. Problem is I'm running out of places to throw
Pen asked for patience for Christmas. I told her I didn't think she could
wait that long.
And Marsha suggested I add a Comments section to my journal. I would if
I knew how, but I don't. And no, I'm not joining Live Journal. If anyone
has any suggestions, just add them to the comments section. No, wait....
Christmas was great. Not only did I receive plenty of cash, DVDs, and
enough chocolate to induce a diabetic coma, but also it was the first time
the whole family has been together in a few years. We spent Christmas Eve
and morning at Pen's parents, and then Christmas Day at my parents.
My entire family was at my parents: my mom and dad, my sister, her husband
and two kids, my brother, his wife and their two kids (the two happiest
kids in the world, I'm sure of it) Pen and I and our two kids, and my grandmother.
We took a few family photos (see updated Family
Mugshots page) ate lots of great food, and caught up on each others
I even managed to get some writing done over the holidays, and tonight
we're going to the base club for New Year's Eve.
Add to that the fact that everyone I know wasn't drowned in some huge tidal
wave, killed by terrorists, or burned to death in a club fire, and I'd
say it was a pretty great holiday.
Of course it's not over yet.