I swear my life is becoming more like The Truman Show every day.
It's starts first thing in the morning when I pull out of the
driveway. I have to back out across a one-way street, checking first
to see that the coast is clear. Of course there's not a car in sight
while I lock the house, walk to the car, get in, buckle up, and
start the engine. The moment I look in the rear-view mirror,
however, I can just picture Christof leaning into his microphone and
announcing, "Cue traffic." Whereupon every car for miles around
suddenly appears out of nowhere and traipses past my house.
The weather changes here
in Borden so quickly it just has to be a special effect. If I
plan any sort outdoor activity for today, by this afternoon there
will be rain, or snow, or...volcanic ash. It doesn't matter that the
long range forecast calls for it to be bright, sunny and warm for
the next five days.
And then there's this
journal. I write in it most every day, and...well....someone must
haves screwed up--some lowly production assistant, grip or gaffer or
something, because when I look back on my entries, people have
commented on them! It's like there's an audience watching my
But hey, I can live with
that. I'd just like to talk to the scriptwriters. Because if my life
is some freaky Steve Show I think the middle part is dragging. You
need something to punch it up. Something like a big fat publishing
contract, or a lottery win.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
The folks on the Fruit Naming Board must have stayed up all night
watching Buffy reruns, and were too tired the next morning to come
up with an original name when it came to oranges. I mean, let's face
it, orange is a colour, not a flavour. That's like naming apples
reds, or bananas yellows. (Which would then result in mistaking
fruit for drugs--so it's not all bad. I'd have no problem getting my
recommended daily allowance of Reds.)
Think about it. What
other colour is also a flavour? (Nope--grape is the flavour; purple
is the colour. Although it is interesting to note that nothing
rhymes with orange or purple. Okay, maybe interesting isn't
the right word.)
Anyway, I suggest we
change the name to something more fitting, like maybe opaes--Orange
Pulpy Acidic Eye Squirter. (I initially considered perrys, but no
doubt people would confuse them with that other fruit.
Okay, so I'm bored. (And
suddenly my icon is self-explanatory.) I'm currently working on
waveguide theory and the dominant mode propagation properties of...zzzzzzzz.
Idon't know about the translation, but I think it's a great
character name. *g* My Japanese name is:
Ishikawa Shun (stone river-fast person).
8 May: A conversation
on the way to the Drive-in.
Me: Why is there a post-it
note that says "Gas" covering the gas gauge.
Pen: Chewing on a stale piece of two-week-old red liquorice.
It's to remind me to get gas.
Me: Isn't that what the gas gauge is for?
Pen: Still working hard on the liquorice. Shadup!
Me: Maybe we should just replace the gas gauge with little post-its
that pop up whenever we get low?
Pen: Do you want me to hurt you now, or later?
Pen: This liquorice is horrible. Do you want it?
Me: Sure. Pen hands me the piece she's been chewing on, and I
take a bite. This isn't that bad, although I'm still not sure
why you'd offer me a piece when you said it was horrible.
Pen: Snorts--very ladylike, I might add--then looks at me
expectantly. You going to hand that back any time soon?
I'm an aspiring novelist. I think that means I'm
breathing, as opposed to all those asphyxiated writers out
there. (You know who you are.) David Blaine tried to set a
record for holding his breath for some nine minutes. He
should try writing.
More often as not I'm
holding my breath--waiting for that acceptance/rejection
letter, or some agent/editor/publisher/ to get back to me.
Heck, I've been holding my breath for almost two months
now. And no doubt Blaine got paid whether he succeeded or
Of course if I crash and
burn there won't be millions of people to witness my
failure--just you folks. And I can kick your ass--yes,
you!--so you'd better be nice. Sending cookies would be a
nice gesture. As a matter of fact, avoid the rush and send
If I do get picked up,
I'll have an agent and cookies. It's win-win.
Well, for me anyway.
You can all uncross your fingers. The agent said
So I sent 11 queries out yesterday to agents who
accept them by email. One of the agents rejected
me in 8 minutes flat--and a personal rejection
at that. (Eat your heart out GVG.) I had a
request for a partial--they even allowed me to
send the partial by email--who promptly rejected
it (and were mean, to boot.)
A second request for a
partial came on the heels of the rejection of
the first, but I have to snailmail this one. I'm
a glutton for punishment.
You know what they say:
When one door closes, another...um...window
slams shut on your fingers.
break's over. I've had two more requests for partials, so
get those fingers crossed again. Er...please.
You know, I keep getting responses from agents
saying that although my work isn't exactly their
cup of tea, they're sure there's an agent out
there for me. I wish one of them would just
point out this mythical agent to me. It would
sure save us all a lot of time and bother. Just
And it's my wedding
anniversary today. Happy anniversary to me!
(Feel free to wish Pen happy anniversary, too, I
suppose. I guess she's had some small part in
signed my evaluation for the year.
That's it. No more bad news, ya hear?
None. Zip. Zero. Zilch.
(Damn, two less lines and and a bunch of
syllables and it could've been a haiku.)
If you're looking for an agent, I recommend
They list agents by genre, there's a lot of good
stuff like what to submit--query, query and
first three chapters, whether they accept email
queries, etc.--and their information seems up to
Although I think they're
tagline is a little grandiose. Agent Query:
Find the Agent Who Will Find You a Publisher.
Trust me, agents are a
lot harder to find than, say, Waldo. Maybe
agents should wear red and white striped shirts,
and those dopey glasses--and the beret. That
would make things much easier.
Do you want to ask them,
or should I?
Pen and I saw the Lord of
the Rings stage play in Toronto this weekend,
and thoroughly enjoyed it. (Although if you
didn't already know the story, I suspect you
might become a tad confused.)
The guy who played Gollum
was amazing, especially in the scene after Frodo
and Sam sing about the stories that would be
told about them when they were heroes. Gollum
twists the song, making it both eerie and
pathetic as he battles his duel personalities.
The actor playing Sam was
a stand-in, but he was great, too. Gladriel was
beautiful, and had an incredible singing voice,
and Boromir and Gimli managed to do a lot with a
small, underwritten part.
I thought that actor
playing Gandalf was weak, and Strider, too, and
the Legolas character seemed almost nonexistent.
The costumes for the Dark
Riders were way cool. Same goes for the orks--some
of them on springy stilt-like arrangements. I
didn't think they'd be able to do the Balrog and
the giant spider justice, but trust me, they
The fight where Eowyn kills the
Nasgul was vague, as was the end where Gollum
steals the ring and falls into the pit. Like I
said before, if you hadn't seen the movie or
read the books, you might have missed it. And of
course they skipped a lot of stuff, and combined
some of the battles. (I also thought the fight
choreography was a little weak, but then I think
I probably have a higher standard than most when
it comes to that sort of thing.)
Loved the music--mostly
Overall, I'd still highly
I have an idea. (Aren't I posty today.)
Seeing as it's only
thirty degrees Celsius out, why don't we all
wear dark green pants and a long sleeved dark
shirt over a dark blue T-shirt. Then we can wear
these heavy, grey wool socks and big, black
leather boots, and a wool hat to top it all off.
And then, just to be comfy, we can role up our
Okay, just you Canadian
Military folks, then. (Sheesh!)
I just received a request for a full manuscript
from an agent who's read the first fifty pages
of Darkside and really seems to like it. I've
done some research (stalk-stalk) and this agent
seems to be someone that I would love to
So, all you folks that
have had your fingers and such crossed for me,
now is the time to up the ante. You know,
sacrificing small animals, offering up your
first born, selling your soul to the Elder
Gods--small stuff. I mean, don't put yourself
out or anything.