Author Unknown
When using a public campground, a
tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart
and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your
sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well,
but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for
national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has
been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.
Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics
that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits
that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely
nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a
handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you
remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a
down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device
used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar
device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a
long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if
you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam
shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not
include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for
one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three
hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can
survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the
elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager
at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has
thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does
absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend
your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of
safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the
bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring
from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.