|
|
Jokes on Translation and Languages
Translators, and especially their clients, could use
some occasional comic relief... or is it the other way round?
And what better way than to laugh at yourself? If this page
is not funny, then e-mail me and I will send you a full refund.
On the other hand, if you can send
me some more translation/language jokes, I will be most
grateful, and if the jokes also have a computer-oriented theme,
I may even become ecstatic. Include some way of identifying
yourself, so I can credit you. Thanks so far to Kata E., Mascha
G., Gareth G., Hanspeter S., Harry V., Ko D.
As a translator, I am proud of the fact that most of the jokes
on these pages are untranslatable into any other language. Please
feel free to be offended by any of the jokes you wish.
|
Part one
Nondescript
linguistic madness
|
Part two
Poems proving English should
never have been invented
|
Part three
Linguistic jokes
for the technical crowd
|
New Section: Videos:
1. We're
sinking. We're Sinking!
2. I want to *&(! you in the
*%$
Why it's difficult to shop overseas
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive
tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long
anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and
everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that
a story half an hour long can be translated in four words. What kind of amazing
language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle.
You have spoken only four words. I don't know what you said, but how can you
translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"
The interpreter says, "Story too long, so I say, 'He says joke -- laugh!' "
On a visit to the United States, Charles de Gaulle was honoured
at a banquet in the White House. Seated
beside his wife was an official who spoke no French, but who tried
to engage her in conversation by asking
"Madame de Gaulle, what do you think the
most important thing in life is?"
"A penis", she replied.
Overhearing, her husband said gently "I believe, my dear,
that in English it is pronounced
'appiness."
- contributed by Ko D., Holland
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.
When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television
cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had
a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech,
scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in
perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington
Monument while you're in the area? The chief made the same noises..."screech,
scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes,
and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?"
asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,
z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."
Two translators on a ship are talking.
"Can you swim?" asks one.
"No" says the other, "but I can shout for help in
nine languages."
There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics
that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish,
and a Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation.
They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First,
they knew man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew
that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel
was there because of their advanced knowledge of tools. Next, they
knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of
food. Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have
religion.
After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools,
Hebrew is read from right to left! It says 'Holy mackerel, dig the
ass on that bitch!'
I hit on this page by folksinger
Christine Lavin showing the results of automatic translation of
some of her song titles to and from a foreign language by the AltaVista
automated translation software. For example :
The original song title : Please Don't Make Me Too Happy
|
To French to English:
|
Please Not Return To Me Too Happy
|
|
To German to English:
|
Please To Me Do Not Go Back Too Lucky
|
|
To Italian To English:
|
I Pray To Me Not To Go Behind Too Much Fortunate
|
|
To Portugese to Eng:
|
I Pray Me Not To Go Too Much Behind Fortunate
|
|
To Spanish To Eng:
|
I Request To Me Not To Go Too Much Behind Lucky Person
|
Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate
their slogans into foreign languages:
-
The 4 wheel drive sport utility truck we know as a Montero
was named "Pajero" for non-US markets, including
Australia, where a large number of Argentineans &
Uruguayans live -- "pajero" in Spanish means
"masturbator".
-
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into
Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
-
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a
tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much
more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
-
When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German
market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation
of "v" is "f," which in German is
the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
-
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce
its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German
is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
-
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries.
"No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in
Spanish. (Note: Steven M., a Spanish translator, has
written to explain that this is actually false, an urban
legend. Please see
this site which sets the facts straight).
-
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a
few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi
Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan
in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors
Back from the Grave."
-
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the
product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola."
The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite
The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of
characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
-
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like
an Electrolux.
-
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling
iron, into German only to find out that "mist"
is German for manure. Not too many people had use for
the "manure stick".
-
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they
used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful
Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in
Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label
of what's inside, since most people can't read.
-
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for
the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead
of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read
"I saw the potato" (la papa
|
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting
undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and
socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed
his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles - it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't
tell me .... you also had smallcox!"
A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something
to eat, but he's afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he
puts his ear by the opening and all he hears is "Bow Wow"
so he thinks, "Well, there can't be a cat out there because
there's a big old dog", so he goes out of his mouse hole and
is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says
"It's good to be bilingual !!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches
to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their
audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes
the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well"
he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started : Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll
go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also
rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues
asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By
imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting
my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll
go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech
by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and
then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished
his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he
explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then
my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from
time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered
for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track
him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the
bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish.
As luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out,
in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back
of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't
dare shoot me.'"
Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created
the world in 6
days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world
and afterwards take a
look at my translation.
| • |
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read
notis.
|
| • |
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the
tub.
|
| • |
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the
next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and
only when lit up.
|
| • |
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button
for wishing floor. If the cabin shoudl enter more persons,
each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.
|
| • |
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the
front desk.
|
| • |
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at
the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
|
| • |
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with
pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
|
| • |
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of
the chambermaid.
|
| • |
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried
daily except Thursday.
|
| • |
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to parambulate
the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
|
| • |
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing
to hope for.
|
| • |
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.
|
| • |
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
|
| • |
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
|
| • |
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best
results.
|
| • |
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
|
| • |
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because
is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
|
| • |
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow
Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and
sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
|
| • |
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly
taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk
of their workers.
|
| • |
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm
the hotel porter.
|
| • |
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different
sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
|
| • |
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining
guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested
that the lobby be used for this purpose.
|
| • |
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted
by latest Methodists.
|
| • |
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of
water has been passed under the bridge since this variation
has been played.
|
| • |
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend
the afternoon having a good time.
|
| • |
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
|
| • |
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?
|
| • |
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn
cock to right.
|
| • |
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies
from their own skin.
|
| • |
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed
to work throughout its useful life.
|
| • |
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
|
| • |
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream.
|
| • |
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even
a foreigner if dressed as a man.
|
| • |
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.
|
| • |
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags
and send them in all directions.
|
| • |
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first
visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
|
| • |
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not
to have children in the bar.
|
| • |
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
|
| • |
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women an other
diseases.
|
| • |
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all
the water served here.
|
| • |
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll
find they are best in the long run.
|
| • |
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition
of warm in your room, please control yourself.
|
| • |
From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger
of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously
at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor.
|
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his
first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood
restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachussetts specialty. Getting
into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I
can get Scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver.
"I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I
hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when
a big car
with diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them. The two
workers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at
him.
"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should
learn a
foreign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it
do him?"
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is "F==K". It is the magical word which,
just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. "F==K"
falls into many grammatical categories.It can be used as a verb
- both transitive (Dave f==ked Anne) and intransitive(Dave then
f==ked off home). It can be used as an active verb (Dave f==ks Anne
regularly) or as a passive verb (Anne is regularly f==ked by Dave).
It makes a wonderful adjective (Anne is f==king beautiful) and can
even be a noun (Dave is a fine f==k). So you see, there are not
many words with the versatility of "F==K". Besides its
sexual connotations, this lovely word can be used to describe many
situations :
aggression : Fuck you.
apathy : Who gives a fuck anyway?
denial : I didn't fucking do it.
derision : He fucks everything up
despair : Fucked again.
difficulty : I don't understand this fucking job.
disbelief : How the fuck did you do that?
dismay : Oh, fuck it.
displeasure : What the fuck is going on?
fraud : I got fucked by my insurance agent.
goodbye : Fuck off.
greeting : How the fuck are you?
incompetence : He's all fucked up.
lost : Where the fuck are we?
mistake : That's fucked it.
panic : Let's get the fuck out of here.
perplexity : I know fuck all about it.
philosophical : Who gives a fuck?
rebellion : Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
resignation : Oh, fuck it.
retaliation : Up your fucking ass.
surprise : Fuck me.
suspicion : Who the fuck are you?
trouble : I guess I'm fucked now.
It can be...useful in describing anatomy : He's a fucking asshole.
used to tell the time : It's five fucking thirty.
used in business : How did I get this fucking job.
a predication : Oh, will I get fucked.
maternal : You great motherfucker.
nautical : Fuck the admiral.
political : Fuck Kinnock/Thatcher.
used to open a relationship : Let's fuck.
The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages
through the years, the more notable of them being :
What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all those fucking Indians! General Custer
Where's all that fucking water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
What a place to plant a fucking tree. Marc Bolan
That's not a real fucking gun. John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck! Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know? President Nixon
I'm outside the fucking exclusion zone. Capt. of Gen. Belgrano
Heads are going to fucking roll! Anne Boleyn
Who let that fucking woman drive? Space Shuttle Captain
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out. King Harold
I thought I could smell fucking petrol. Nikki Lauda
What fucking map? Mark Thatcher
It's my best fucking coat. Michael Foot
She's just a fucking secretary. Cecil Parkinson
He's just a fucking mate. Jeremy Thorpe
Any fucker can understand that. Einstein
It fucking looks like her! Picasso
Where's the fucking brakes on this thing. Donald Campbell
Where the fuck are we? Christopher Columbus
It's a sunny day, we don't need a fucking top on the car. JFK
What the fucks that coming down the ventilation shaft. Iraqi airbase
staff
Nobody will give a fuck about the poll tax. Margaret Thatcher
How the fuck do we work that out? Pythagoras
You want what on the fucking ceiling?! Michaelangelo
I don't suppose it's fucking raining. Joan of Arc
I didn't want to fucking go anyway. Sebastion Coe
I haven't got a fucking clue. Miss Marples.
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would
be known as "EuroEnglish": --
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The
hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is
disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"
and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve
vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis
and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL
FINALI KUM TRU!
The following were among the winners in a New York Magazine contest
in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the
new expression.
|
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
|
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
|
|
EX POST FUCTO
|
Lost in the mail
|
|
IDIOS AMIGOS
|
We're wild and crazy guys!
|
|
VENI, VIPI, VICI
|
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
|
|
COGITO EGGO SUM
|
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
|
|
RIGOR MORRIS
|
The cat is dead.
|
|
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
|
Honk if you're Scottish.
|
|
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
|
The king is dead. No kidding.
|
|
POSH MORTEM
|
Death styles of the rich and famous
|
|
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
|
Support your local clown.
|
|
MONAGE A TROIS
|
I am three years old.
|
|
MAZEL TON
|
Tons of luck
|
|
APRES MOE LE DELUGE
|
Larry and Curly got wet.
|
|
ICH LIEBE RICH
|
I'm really crazy about having dough.
|
|
FUI GENERIS
|
What's mine is mine.
|
|
CA VA SANS DIRT
|
And that's not gossip.
|
| |
|
based on Translation Quotes and Quips
By Dr. Frederick J. A. Mostert
According to the following table of translated animal expressions,
it would appear that cats are the ones who have the least need for
translators:
|
|
English
|
French
|
German
|
Spanish
|
Dutch
|
|
cock
|
cock-a-doodle-
doo
|
coquerico
|
kikeriki
|
kikiriki
|
kukeleku
|
|
dog
|
bow-wow
|
ouap-ouap
|
waf-waf
|
guav-guav
|
woef-woef
|
|
cat
|
me-aow
|
mi-aou
|
mi-auw
|
mi-au
|
mi-jauw
|
"Translations (like wives) are seldom faithful if they are
in the least attractive."
Roy Campbell: Poetry Review, June/July 1949
"The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the
ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless."
ITI Bulletin, 6, 7, 1990
Translators do it bilingually.
Interpreters do it simultaneously.
Linguists do it with their tongues.
Afrikaans: O Gode! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo
ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshimi bashu
Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Bosnian: Boje moj! Sjekira mi je u glavi.
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
French: Mon Dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Hebrew: Elohim Adirim! Yesh Garzen
Ba-Rosh Sheli
Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu
a mer.
Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashe no atama ni ono
ga arimasu.
Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali
undei.
Maltese: Alla tieghi, ghandi mannara f'rasi
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en øks i hodet!
Pig Latin: Oay ayemay odgay! airsthay anay axeay
inay ayemay eadhay!
Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Spanish:¡Dios mio! ¡Hay un hacha en mi cabeza!
Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Tagalong: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds
meina haubida.
Welsh: O Dduw - mae 'na fwyell yn fy mhen i!
To continue on the path to becoming truly multilingual,
try this : The Uselessness
of Language.
From Henry Beard's "Latin for All Occasions".
Impress the hell out of your friends, with these little known Latin
mottos and colloquialisms.
Eng: I think that Elvis is still alive.
Latin: Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere.
Eng: Garbage in, garbage out.
Latin: Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Eng: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Latin: Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
Eng: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?
Latin: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar
tibi?
Eng: I'd like to buy some condoms.
Latin: Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
Eng: Your fly is open.
Latin: Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
Eng: Your place or mine?
Latin: Apudne te vel me?
Eng: I'll have a pizza with everything on
it.
Latin: Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus
in eo.
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive
"to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state
just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup
truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck, and I aint herd from him
in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn
Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back
of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh
puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't
change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."
TARRED - adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and
boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight
for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ...
must be from some farn country."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless
you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some
ear!"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
From: Games Magazine (1984)
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You
are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit
to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart.
I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you
are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit
to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me. For other men,
I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart,
I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria
|
Part one
Nondescript
linguistic madness
|
Part two
Poems proving English should
never have been invented
|
Part three
Linguistic jokes
for the technical crowd
|
Part two
Poems proving English should never have been invented
Ode to a Spell Chequer
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my PC
It plainly marks for my revue
miss takes I cannot see
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect in its weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
English is a Crazy Language
by Richard Lederer
Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day
and cold as Hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus.
When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ...
it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!
English is Tough Stuff (Chaos)
By Gerard Nolst Trenité (see note below)
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!
Extraxct from a message received concerning the author :
Dear John Lejderman,
The author of `English Is Tough Stuff' is Gerard Nolst Trenité
(1870-1946), a Dutch teacher, who wrote under the pen name of
`Charivarius'. The poem you have included on your web page was
published in the textbook *Drop Your Foreign Accent. Engelsche
Uitspraakoefeningen*. [*Drop Your Foreign Accent. English Pronunciation
Exercises*] …..
The actual title of the poem is 'De Chaos', which (would you
believe it) is Dutch for 'The Chaos'...
Kind regards,
Arnold J Kreps
|
Part one
Nondescript
linguistic madness
|
Part two
Poems proving English should
never have been invented
|
Part three
Linguistic jokes
for the technical crowd
|
Part three
Linguistic jokes for the technical crowd
People are always complaining about the confusing
terminology that you have to understand in order to communicate
with (or about) computers. No longer. This little glossary should
help you understand much better.
Term
|
What it means.
|
|
640K barrier
|
the finish line in a mega-marathon
|
|
access time
|
foreplay
|
|
analog
|
what Ana tosses into the fire
|
|
assembly language
|
put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...
|
|
audit trail
|
what the IRS does
|
|
bandwidth
|
limited by the size of the stage
|
|
battery backup
|
going in reverse in a golf cart
|
|
BBS
|
t-telling t-tall s-stories
|
|
benchmark
|
what happens when your saw hits the bench
|
|
broadband
|
an all female rock group
|
|
cache memory
|
remembering how much you spent
|
|
carrier detect
|
"I see the mail man!"
|
|
CASE
|
24 bottles
|
|
Control Character
|
prison guard
|
|
conventional memory
|
remembering what you did at COMDEX
|
|
copy protection
|
wearing a rubber
|
|
copyright
|
vs. copy wrong
|
|
cursor
|
a garbage mouth
|
|
daisy chain
|
a dog's leash
|
|
DAT
|
the opposite of DIS
|
|
deadly embrace
|
making love to King Kong
|
|
delimiter
|
some who says, "Stop, that's enough"
|
|
density
|
how to measure IQs of blondes
|
|
DIP switch
|
how my sister gets a new boy friend
|
|
dot pitch
|
"Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball"
|
|
EBCDIC
|
similar to herpes
|
|
EMS
|
happens just before PMS
|
|
end user
|
a prisoner's cell mate
|
|
escape sequence
|
Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence...
|
|
Ethernet
|
used to catch Etherbunny
|
|
fixed disk
|
a broken disk that comes back from the shop
|
|
flash EPROM
|
what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms)
|
|
flat bed scanner
|
a hooker looking for loose change
|
|
flat file
|
a file with all the air out of it
|
|
full duplex
|
a 2-family house with 16 occupants
|
|
groupware
|
clothes swapping
|
|
hacker
|
a heavy smoker
|
|
half-height drive
|
a midget's sexual capacity
|
|
hand scanner
|
singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings
|
|
heap
|
what I drive
|
|
high density diskette
|
a very stupid floppy
|
|
home computer
|
what you tell your computer when it follows you
|
|
hypertext
|
text on amphetamines
|
|
ink jet
|
a plane used for sky writing
|
|
integrated circuit
|
a circuit with both black & white components
|
|
joystick
|
(requires little explanation)
|
|
local bus
|
stops at every intersection
|
|
lost chains
|
euphoria experienced by the recently divorced
|
|
low-level language
|
for basement programmers
|
|
high-level language
|
for penthouse programmers
|
|
machine dependency
|
an addiction of machine users
|
|
mag tape
|
tape used on the wheels of cars
|
|
mainframe
|
akin to "main squeeze"
|
|
main memory
|
remembering where the water line is
|
|
math coprocessor
|
the person you cheated from in math class
|
|
megaflop
|
the worst play you ever saw
|
|
minicomputer
|
the peer to Mickey's computer
|
|
modem
|
what the gardener did to the lawns
|
|
multi-sync
|
can be sunk more than once
|
|
native mode
|
head hunting
|
|
on-line
|
where the birds sit
|
|
overlay
|
chickens making too many eggs
|
|
pentium
|
the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock
|
|
plotter
|
a deceitful person
|
|
postscript
|
graffiti on a pole
|
|
protected memory
|
remembering to wear a condom
|
|
record locking
|
what you do to your Beatles' White Album
|
|
right justified
|
vs. wrongly justified
|
|
software piracy
|
stealing a ship's program
|
|
spreadsheet
|
a hooker's foreplay
|
|
streaming tape
|
party decorations
|
|
subroutine
|
not quite routine
|
|
surge protector
|
a condom
|
|
token ring
|
a group of people passing the bong
|
|
trackball
|
what sprinters and runners often get
|
|
word wrap
|
black music
|
|
worksheet
|
a prostitutes office
|
|
Ymodem
|
because, modem
|
For another source of "daffy"nitions
- see Avi
Bidani.
The Saga of Management Review of Writing Style
QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of
them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them
are feet and one is a tail.
Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one
tail per unit-mouse.
Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9
appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and
one tail assembly per body.
Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs
and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end
opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this
policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is
attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall
mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in
nature.
Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the
question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice
have four feet.
Buzzwords for Managers
|
0.
|
integrated
|
0.
|
management
|
0.
|
options
|
|
1.
|
heuristic
|
1.
|
organizational
|
1.
|
flexibility
|
|
2.
|
systematized
|
2.
|
monitored
|
2.
|
capability
|
|
3.
|
parallel
|
3.
|
reciprocal
|
3.
|
mobility
|
|
4.
|
functional
|
4.
|
digital
|
4.
|
programming
|
|
5.
|
responsive
|
5.
|
logistical
|
5.
|
scenarios
|
|
6.
|
optional
|
6.
|
transitional
|
6.
|
time-phase
|
|
7.
|
synchronized
|
7.
|
incremental
|
7.
|
projection
|
|
8.
|
compatible
|
8.
|
third-generation
|
8.
|
hardware
|
|
9.
|
futuristic
|
9.
|
policy
|
9.
|
contingency
|
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical
projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any
report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one
will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the
important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
Technology Terminology - WWW (World Wide Wait) Technology Terminology
- Link Rot
-
The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as
the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Crapplet-
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I
just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Under Mouse Arrest-
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct.
"Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse
arrest."
404-
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message
"404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've
tried
to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's
404,
man."
Dead Tree Edition-
The paper version of a publication available in both paper
and
electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the
San
Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing-
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers
looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land-
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what
seemed
like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Cobweb Site-
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time.
A dead web page.
Keyboard Plaque-
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has
a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Bookmark-
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor
borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing
his cool demo at Siggraph."
|
PCMCIA
SCSI
DOS
BASIC
IBM
CD-ROM
OS/2
ISDN
|
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
System Can't See It
Defunct Operating System
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
I Blame Microsoft
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
Obsolete Soon, Too
I Simply Don't Know
|
|
