Dear Mr. Hollywood Producer;
Its high time that you movie mogul types ripped off our cherished television memories for another big screen flop, again. My vote is for "The Partridge Family." The Brady Bunch had two crappy movies. I think the Partridges deserve at least one. They were the Brady Bunchs opposite number, sort of the anti-Bradys.
Of course, there will have to be some changes. Thats what Hollywood is all about, isnt it? Take an idea and "fix" the hell out of it. You guys can fix a script like you fix a cat. But, only good changes on this one. My idea. My rules.
The one question that always bugged me about "The Partridge Family" was What would possess an otherwise responsible widowed mother of five to cart her children around the country playing bubblegum rock? Admit it, at least once, youve been stuck in traffic and found yourself pondering this exact same question, havent you?
With a little bit of conceptual tweaking that problem can be resolved for the film. Well simply add another character to the mix: the ghost of Shirley Partridges husband, a career rocknroller. "Party" Partridge. Obviously, the family will feel compelled to follow in Dads footsteps. Thus they form a post-grunge neo-alternative band. The ghost will turn up occasionally with prophetic jokes to serve as inspiration for the family.
How can you tell if a harmonica player is at the door?
- He doesnt have the key and just comes in whenever the hell he wants.
What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Whats the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
- A large pizza can feed a family of four.
That sort of thing.
Ive even chosen the cast. Hey, anything I can do to help you producer fellas. As long as you dont screw it up. Heres the way I see it:
Shirley Partridge Helen Hunt (Just cuz. Shes still fun to look at.)
Keith Partridge Seth Green (The kids a natural and he has great comedic timing. Hes more than just Dr. Evils son.)
Laurie Partridge Jennifer Love Hewitt (Shes got the "Laurie hair". Shes hot, too.)
Danny Partridge Justin Long (This ones a bit of a stretch, but trust me. Hes the kid from the "Ed" TV show. Yeah, you know who I mean. Think about it.)
Tracy Partridge Taylor Momsen (Another obscure one. She played Cindy-Lou Who in the Grinch movie.)
Christopher Partridge Haley Joel Osment ("Sixth Sense"? Pretty good. "A.I."? All right. But, come on. Give him a role that will challenge him, help him develop his craft. Give him the role of Chris Partridge.)
Reuben Kincaid Michael Caine (Its a film. Hell do it.)
Ghost of "Party" Partridge Joe Walsh (Oh, yeah. You know Im right.)
Stick with me, Mr. Producer-man, and youll have a hit on your hands in no time. Thats my two cents worth, anyway.
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