Dear Mr. Hollywood Producer;

It’s high time that you movie mogul types ripped off our cherished television memories for another big screen flop, again. My vote is for "The Partridge Family." The Brady Bunch had two crappy movies. I think the Partridges deserve at least one. They were the Brady Bunch’s opposite number, sort of the anti-Bradys.

Of course, there will have to be some changes. That’s what Hollywood is all about, isn’t it? Take an idea and "fix" the hell out of it. You guys can fix a script like you fix a cat. But, only good changes on this one. My idea. My rules.

The one question that always bugged me about "The Partridge Family" was What would possess an otherwise responsible widowed mother of five to cart her children around the country playing bubblegum rock? Admit it, at least once, you’ve been stuck in traffic and found yourself pondering this exact same question, haven’t you?

With a little bit of conceptual tweaking that problem can be resolved for the film. We’ll simply add another character to the mix: the ghost of Shirley Partridge’s husband, a career rock’n’roller. "Party" Partridge. Obviously, the family will feel compelled to follow in Dad’s footsteps. Thus they form a post-grunge neo-alternative band. The ghost will turn up occasionally with prophetic jokes to serve as inspiration for the family.

How can you tell if a harmonica player is at the door?

- He doesn’t have the key and just comes in whenever the hell he wants.

What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?

- Homeless.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

- A large pizza can feed a family of four.

That sort of thing.

I’ve even chosen the cast. Hey, anything I can do to help you producer fellas. As long as you don’t screw it up. Here’s the way I see it:

Shirley Partridge Helen Hunt (Just ‘cuz. She’s still fun to look at.)

Keith Partridge Seth Green (The kid’s a natural and he has great comedic timing. He’s more than just Dr. Evil’s son.)

Laurie Partridge Jennifer Love Hewitt (She’s got the "Laurie hair". She’s hot, too.)

Danny Partridge Justin Long (This one’s a bit of a stretch, but trust me. He’s the kid from the "Ed" TV show. Yeah, you know who I mean. Think about it.)

Tracy Partridge Taylor Momsen (Another obscure one. She played Cindy-Lou Who in the Grinch movie.)

Christopher Partridge Haley Joel Osment ("Sixth Sense"? Pretty good. "A.I."? All right. But, come on. Give him a role that will challenge him, help him develop his craft. Give him the role of Chris Partridge.)

Reuben Kincaid Michael Caine (It’s a film. He’ll do it.)

Ghost of "Party" Partridge Joe Walsh (Oh, yeah. You know I’m right.)

Stick with me, Mr. Producer-man, and you’ll have a hit on your hands in no time. That’s my two cents worth, anyway.


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