Canonical List of Bobbitt Jokes ================================ Date: Thu, 27 Jan 94 11:48:40 EDT BIG JOHN WAYNE bobbit Big John was a lad of great lust Had a wife who was filled with distrust One night while he slept With a knife, in she crept As a lover Big John's now a bust. ------- Lorena wished John could be nicer But he wasn't much of a de-icer If she finds a new spouse Let us hope he's no louse Or we might have our first serial slicer ------- Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper But to his wifey's dismay Big John leaped to the fray The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper. ------- A surgeon was filled with great tension Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention He stitched and he sewed Used all the skills that he knowed But the wee thing won't stand at attention. ------- There once was a man from Manassas Who was fond of sleeping with lasses His wife had enough So she chopped off his stuff Now let's see him try to make passes. ------- There once was a place in Virginia Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia She whipped back the sheets Ignored his sad bleats And attacked like a professional ninja. ------- Have you heard of the outrage so heinous that it brought bitter tears to dame Venus? But 'twas neither the knife, nor the knave, nor the wife But the wags who were really obscenest. ------- There once was a Bobbitt named John Who thaught he was quite the Don Juan His wife disagreed So the next time he wee'd John couldn't locate his wand. (or Don couldn't locate his Juan.) ------- There once was a lady named Bobbitt Who got so fed up that she lopped it She said, "I'm sorry honey, But your conducts not funny." And she very effectively stopped it. ------- There once was a woman named Bobbitt Who's innocence, her husband did rob it. So she grabbed hold of his dick, and went And out her car window she lobbed it. ------- Lorena wished John could be nicer But he wasn't much of a de-icer If she finds a new spouse Let us hope he's no louse Or we might have our first serial slicer. ------- A surgeon was filled with great tension Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention He stitched and he sewed Used all the skills that he knowed But the wee thing won't stand at attention. ------- John Bobbitt was never a loner In fact, he was known as a roamer His wife seized his prize And cut him to size Now he is his own organ donor. ------- There once was a crime most venal One might say 'twas inches form renal It wasn't for sport That she made him so short Her intentions were nothing but penal. ------- The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly Though it sounds just a little bit silly He said "She's the hacker Who lopped off my whacker", She said she was trying to Free Willy. ------- John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff for it seems the judgements been soft He's been retrofitted and now he's aquitted that's the last time he ever gets off. ------- A much-abused lady named Bobbitt Said unto her husband, please stop it Or I'll draw my stiletto And chop down your palmetto And see just how far I can lob it. ------- Sweet Lorena did not use precision The darkness, she said, hindered vision She jumped on the bed And gave husband John An un-vounteered circumcision. ------- Big John B. was a creep, don't ya' know, Whose wife gave him a horrible blow Now the people he meets As he walks down the streets Say, "John Bobbit? That old sew-and-sew." ------- Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us It was somewhere 'round here That she threw this man's gear But to us the whole think is ri-dick-ulus. ------- Was the womans name "Bobbitt", or does that just describe what she did? ------- I hear John Bobbitt is on a new weight loss program. Jeah, so far he's lost 12 inches. ------- The Bobbit affair gives whole new meaning to the expression "wacking off". ------- The reason Lorena Bobbitt preaded "Not Guilty" in court, is that she clains her husband, John, asked to be "Wacked Off'. ------- The policeman who was sent out to retrieve the severed organ returned an said "I don't know if it's the right one, but it fits the description". ------- The rumor is that Mrs. Bobbit will be released, as the evidence won't stand up in court. ------- What did Lorena Bobbitt say about a recent smowstorm?? There's six inches on the ground. ------- What did John say to Lorena after the deed wans done? No hard feelings. ------- This is a real-life quip from a reporter as John Bobbitt walked into the courthouse. He said "Hey John, how's it hanging". ------- What they didn't tell you when the penis struck the oncomming cars windshield - "Gawd, did you see the dick on that bug ???" ------- Variation on the above: Two little old ladies happened to be in the car following Lorena as she threw the severed penis out of the window, and it actually bounced off their winshield before landing on the road. At this point one of the ladies turned to the other and asked, "Did you see the dick on that bug ???" ------- What did Mr. Bobbit say when he was propositioned by a hooker? Sorry, I'm a little short this week. ------- How is Mr. Bobbit like my favorite operating system? They're both UNIX (eunuchs). ------- Mrs. Bobbit will be let out of jail for the Christmas holidays on the condition she dosen't hang any balls on the Christmas tree. ------- What was Lorena thinking when she did the dastardly deed? 1. Spot must be hungry by now. 2. Would that be considered as lean or regular? 3. That reminds me, I should water the lawn. 4. These butter knives aren't good for anything. 5. They don't make them like they used to. ------- Mrs. Bobbit is dating a golf pro... Nothing sexual, she just wants to improve her slice. ------- I heard, thou, that she actually was looking forward to going to prision, so she could join the prison golf team so she could work on her slice. ------- Have you heard about the new John Bobbit doll.... Some assembly required ------- The John Bobbitt porno version of the Addams Family, brings a whole new meaning to the character "Thing". ------- Human society is made up "Hunters" and "Gatherers". After the attack, John Bobbitt became both. ------- The John Bobbitt theme song... "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner". or.. "Every Time You Go Away, You Take A Piece Of Me With You". or.. "Why Not Take All of Me" or.. "50 ways to cleave your lover" ------- A good friend of mine and I were discussing the Bobbit case, and I came to realize what a true romantic he is, 'cause I said, "Well I guess that is the end of the Bobbit Marriage." And he said "No they might get back together, maybe it was only a 'Trial Separation'". Now he is sure that they will get back together, since we hear that John B. dosen't have any Hard Feelings. ------- How would John B. sleep if he and Lorena ever got back together?? On his stomach. ------- What do you call a guy that has lost 90% of his intelligence?? John Bobbitt. ------- The new Ginsu knife commercial, cuts through a tin can and is still sharp, cuts through John Bobbitt and is still sharp. ------- I hear Lorena's going to do an infomercial about Ginsu knives. ------- Did you hear that John Bobbitt quit his job?? Yeah...... I guess he just wasn't cut out for it. ------- Did you hear that John Bobbitt will be posing for a spread in Playgirl.. Yeah...... He will appear on page 20, continued on page 24 ------- John was asked by a reporter how he felt after the attack. His response was "Light-headed". ------- Any truth to the rumor that Lorena Bobbit is about to start stumping for tougher domestic violence laws?? ------- New book just out.. "The Bobbit", by P.P.S. Taken, a book about shorting people. ------- What new proceedure did surgeons try out on Mr. Bobbitt?? Addadictomy! ------- What is purple and commutes?? John Bobbitts penis. ------- Hey, I heard they are going to take the whole Bobbit thing and make it into a made for tv movie. What are they going to call it?? Free Willy Gone With the Wand The Silence of the Loins The Dong of the South Indecent Disposal Lorena Scissorhands Cocktail Save Willy also suggested are: Honey, I cut it off The sum also rises manicurist from Hell The razors edge The unkindest cut of all Love hurts Moby Dick (abridged version) Foot loose and other extremities Don't bite off more than you can chew Two balls, one out, and nobody on What's up doc Funny Girl To have and to have not Apocylopse Ow Blade Runner II For members only Lorenas work-out and quick weight loss program (for men) also suggested are: White man can't hump Lost that lovin feeling Frankenpenis A sequal to "The Piano" called "The Organ" Raiders of the Lost Part Much Ado About Nothing Remake of The Color Purple Half Gun, Will Travel Leave it To Cleaver Gone in 60 Seconds. And my PERSONAL FAVORITE, Meatless in Manassas ------- In her latest movie, Lorena Bobbit goes around "maliciously wounding" a whole bunch of men, throwing their members into the same clearing in the woods. It's called "Field of Creams". She keeps hearing a voice in her head "If you cut it, they won't cum". ------- I don't know what all the fuss is over a Bobbitt movie anyway. All the good parts end up on the cutting room floor. ------- Did you know that Lorena Bobbit works with Computers?? She hacks eunuchs (Unix) for a living. ------- The next guy who dates Lorena needs to have a huge set of brass balls, and an armor plated condom. ------- John Bobbitt is going to start a foundation for fellow sufferers of his pecilier affliction. Their motto.... Eunuchs of the world unite, you have nothing to lose. ------- When asked in the office this morning What is the Bobbit Weave?? ------- I answered: The medical proceedure for which John Wayne Bobbit will always be re-membered. ------- Lorena Bobbits lawyers will try to use a little known legal technicality to get their client of... It's called the Peter Principal. ------- At Lorena Bobbits trial, she admitted that she DID want sex the night of of the 'crime', but she wanted it TO GO. ------- Lettermans top 10 list from 01/13/94 Quotations from the Lorena Bobbit trial: 10. Who ordered the Diet Slice. 9. Could your honor instruct juror #4 to stop giggling. 8. Mr. Bobbitt, will you please rise. 7. I paid $500.00 for this ticket, now dammit, I want to see Striesand sing. 6. What's Andrew Guiliani doing here. 5. 1 million Dollars, all you gotta do is say you used a Ginsu. 4. Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the velcro Corp, and we have and idea for an ad. 3. If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries. 2. No, I said put your HAND on the bible. 1. Look out! Lorena's got the gavel. ------- More Things heard at the Bobbit trial "Look out! She's got the knife." "Their relationship has been severed." "Is this covered under the health care plan, or can he sue for medical bills?" "I'll have a Slice, please." "She brings new meaning to the phrase 'Bad to to Bone'" "She said she ordered sex 'TO GO'." "Who's buying? I'm a little short." "They're serving beanie weenies for lunch." "I think Joan Severance will play Mrs. Bobbit in the movie." "The only thing around here that's hung is the jury." ------- When John Bobbitt dates women do you think he tells them that he is unattached? ------- What do you get when you cross Lorena Bobbitt with Tanya Harding ??? I don't know, but I wouldn't want to date it. ------- Lorena and Tanya are going to form the newest "American Gladiators" tag team, otherwise known as ... SLASH 'n' BASH ------- It seems the Bobbitt incident was all a misunderstanding. Lorena was upset about how her husband was treating her and asked a counselor what she should do. The counselor suggested that she might "try a separation". ------- Guess who is the new product spokesman for Sears snap-on tools? John. ------- Lorena was charged with one count of malicious injury and one count of highway littering. ------- Lorena didn't want to have sex, she got cocky and left. ------- You know, it's a good thing the police were able to locate Big John B's severed member. Can you imagine a picture of it being on every Milk carton in the country??? ------- Now that other women will surely imitate Lorena, we are pleased to offer the Jurassic Prick program. We take a sample of DNA from your organ and clone it, so you could quickly have a replacement in case the organ is not found after detachment. For a cheaper alternative, we will print a unique serial number so that in case the object in question is found on a highway you could be sure that it is yours. ------- How do you kill John Bobbitt??? I don't know, but one piece at a time dosen't work. ------- Lorenas activities have opened up a whole new gamut of new career possibilities: pickle slicer asparagus harvester Rabbi cook at Benihanas peperoni slicer at a pizza parlor spokesperson for Ginsu knives (It's the tripple decker pecker wrecker, is slices and dices, it circumsizes and jullianes.) circumcision surgeon. ------- Whats the difference between Lorena Bobbitt and Bob Barker?? Bob Barker is a Slick Pricer. One advocates neutering. ------- There is no way that Lorena WON'T go to jail. From what I've heard it's a well HUNG jury. ------- We understand the Lorena has become quite a clebrity at the Local restaurants in Manassas, Va. It seems she gives big tips. ------- How cruel this whole affair is, John B. is a shell of a man. He has a penis that no longer functions normally, He may nnever have sex again. At least that Bitch from Hell will never have sex again either. Can you Imagine Lorena at a singles bar?? Hello, my name's Lorena Bobbitt, what's yours. Reply: "AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH" (sound of footsteps heading for the door). ------- I heard he punishment could be anything from deportation to 20 years in a PENAL institution. ------- Whats the difference between John Bobbitt and a hot dog?? About 6 inches. ------- Here are a few for the chess players in the group: I hear that John and Lorena Bobbit used to play quite a bit of chess. Apparently, John was the better player, but he was always forced to accept a draw because he didn't have mating material. Lorena was able to beat John, but only after she used the Petr-off opening. And... tired of being pinned in the end, she found it best to remove the piece that was forking her. Also, when playing the King's Indian, she was able to cut off his long diagonal with sharp moves. That'll teach him to try and force mate! Apparently they were sticklers for the rules: once Lorena forgot to say "j'adoube" and had to remove a piece and forfeit their relationship. "Play the board, not The Man" --John Bobbit ------- There were two disk jockeys in Norfolk, Va. who went to the first couple of days of the Bobbitt trial. Anyway, before the trial began they gave away hotdogs and a can of slice for free, and if you could not eat the whole thing, they would cut it in half for you. ------- I hear that John was right in the middle of testifying in court when Lorena stod up and cut him off. ------- What did Michael Jackson say to John Bobbitt?? Silly Bobbitt, Dicks are for Kids. ------- actually the court experts predicted that the jury would go soft on her, and that John would be the one that would never get off. ------- Why is John Bobbitt afraid to go to the movies?? He's afraid they will ask to see his stub. ------- The official medical term used for what she did is Clipadicfromhe, or in some areas, Wankerectomy. ------- John Bobbitt is suffering from PMS - Penis Missing Syndrome. ------- "Oh, I went around with him for a while, but I cut it off" Lorena B. ------- What did Lorena tell her husband after the deed was done?? I have matters well in hand. ------- The Boy Scouts are now going around with 12" kitchen knives, knocking on peoples doors, It's Bobbitt job week. (Whatever that means). (apparantly it is a tradition in the UK for scouts to go around neighborhoods fundraising doing small tasks for a bob-a-job, a bob being a schilling, or 5 new pence) ------- After the trial is over (assuming she won't have to spend too much time in the slammer), Lorena will be joining the American Gladiators with the name "Blade". ------- I can't velieve Lorena actually got off. Can't say the same for John though. The jury went really soft on her. ------- Did you here that John Bobbitt is changing his name to avoid the publicity?? Yeah, he's changing it to Les Johnson. or maybe Les Manley. ------- The defense clain was that Lorena had been abused by Johns penis, and so was temporarly insane when she lopped it off and tossed it beside the road. Anyway she didn't gat of totally free, yet. Guilty by reason of insanity, the jury said, so they are sending her to a state institution at Petersburg, Virginia for an evaluation. What's next, if this dosen't work? Maybe they can send her to Coxtown, or Dicksburg, or Pricksville. ------- You remember all those great Hits from the Bobbits -- Mac the knife, Love Hurts, Cuts like a knife, Don't leave him standing, Save the last slice for me, My Ding-a-Ling, .... and many more. Well, now you can get them all, for only $19.95 in this new collection from K-TEL. Operators are standing by. If you order immediately, we will throw in one extra, suprize cut! Call Now! (Co-Sponsored by Ginsu) ------- Lorena's Song: Symphony of Castration (as sung to the tune of Megadeth's _Symphony of Destruction_) You take a mortal man, And put him in control Watch him rape his wife, Watch his 'little' head a-roll (Chorus) Just like Lorena Bobbit, You got the last laugh You went psycho with the Ginsu Swingin it to the Symphony Of Castration. Actin' like a victim, Your sanity corrodes. Your defense makes its plea, Before the judge explodes Chorus, leads in to kooky guitar solo The court starts to rumble, The gavel falls. A-warrin' for a willy, A pee-pee won't stand tall. Chorus, leading to finale. ------- Sing to the tune of "Lizzie Borden took an axe" - Lorena Bobbitt took an knife, she never ment to take his life, and when her dirty deed was done, he couldn't count to twenty-one. ------- Well, by now, everybody must have heard about Mr and Mrs Bobbit in the good ol' U.S. of A. I was listing to the radio on Tuesday morning when I heard a song dedicated to these two persons. If you know the Paul Simon song "50 ways to leave your lover", then sing the song to yourself, but replace the words with those below. Enjoy ;) The problem was she didn't like the way you run her life And that she wants to find some way to end all of this strif, And since the day the man stood And pronounced you man and wife she's dreamt of 50 ways to cleave her lover. She's lain awake at night And thought of what she'd do Practiced on root vegetables And now my boy it's true That tonight it's not a carrots turn It's time that she showed you 50 ways to cleave her lover 50 ways to cleave her lover Chorus: She could cut off your *@!#% , Mick Hack off your old boy , Roy Snip off your *@!#% , Bob And set herself free. Whip off your *"!#% , Jock She won't leave you with much , Bud She'll chop down your tree , Lee And set herself free. {Repeat Chorus.} ------- Seen on page 1 of one of the nations leading newspapers: as first printed: after hasty editing: B O B B I T T B O B B I T T A slice of America A slice of America Women grab onto a Debate rages over a powerful new symbol powerful new symbol ------- -- ** -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** Alan R. Hall arh00@netcom.com ** (408) 448-5615 (home) ** (415) 725-4532 (work) A Penny saved is a Congressional oversight ** --------------------------------------------------------------------------