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Jokes Central

Sex 1

Sex2

Sex 4

Sex 5

Penis Protection Plan

Mike And The Gorilla

Visiting The Brothel

The Factory Tour

Martian Encounters

The Streaker

Home Repair

Candy Humor

Cruise Vacation

Sex Lives

The Pope And His Camera

Bear Hunting

120 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

Boss And The Secretary

Sun Dials

How To Kill An Eel

Banana Loaf

Vending Machine

Under Age

Top 10 Things Not To Say In Victoria's Secret

Top 10 Reasons Sex Is Better Than Hockey

Sex Quiz

The Fly

Good, Bad And Worse

 

Motorcycle With Bad Seal

 

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Penis Protection Plan

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"WOMAN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, THEN DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR." DON'T LAUGH, IT'S TRUE AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just piss them off in general.

Men, protect yourself NOW If you've found yourself to be a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and intact? Could you be sure the penis they found was yours?

Inquire NOW about our low cost Penis Protection Plan (PPP).

Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique registration numbers. Insuring that in case of separation, you'll get a perfect match each time.

Plan 2: Our Jurassic Prick Program (JPP) - We'll take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event that a tractor trailer runs over your penis or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy.

Plan 3: For all those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary. When you're asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or hazardous objects are within one foot of the jock strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free or worry.

DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...

CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIC

REMEMBER THE DICK YOU MAY SAVE MAY BE YOUR OWN!

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Mike And The Gorilla

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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. She was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to screw the gorilla-for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

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Visiting The Brothel

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Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem".

She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells him.

Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy screw a chicken"

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The Factory Tour

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A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

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Martian Encounters

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This Martian space ship breaks down in a residential neighborhood. The Martian goes to one of the houses to ask to use some tools. A guy answers the door and agrees to lend the Martian some tools to repair his spaceship. The Martian spends all day working on his spaceship when it starts getting dark. He goes back to the guy's house and asks to spend the night and go back to work on his spaceship the next day. The guy agrees. The Martian says his wife is in the spaceship and there is a custom on his planet that whenever they stay over at someone's house they swap wives. The guy talks to his wife about this swapping and she agrees to it.

That night the guy's wife goes into one bedroom with the Martian and the guy goes into another bedroom with the Martian's wife. Once in the bedroom, the Martian starts tugging on his left ear and his dick gets longer and longer. He tugs on his right ear and his dick gets wider and wider. The guy's wife loves it. The next morning the guy and his wife are in the kitchen talking and comparing notes. The guy's wife asks him how he liked doing it with the Martian lady and he says, 'I liked it except for one thing. She kept tugging at my ears all night!'.

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The Streaker

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not
recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a
member of this club."

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Home Repairs

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know upstairs bathroom? Well, one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The man just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few weeks go by, and he comes home from work, and again his wife asks for a little favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, one of the Mr. Goodwrench?" was the response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads to him as he's walking through the door, "Honey, there's a leak in the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her, said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and the rain was pouring down pretty hard, but the leak in the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't anymore leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, John. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty fucking Crocker?"

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Candy Humor

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One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.

Another version...

The Candy Wrapper

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr.Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff". I said "Look you little Reeses Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O'Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden... my Starburst. As luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

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Cruise Vacation

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An elderly retired couple decided to go on a cruise for vacation. When boarding the ship, the old woman realized she didn't bring her hearing aid with her. Her husband assured her he would take care of everything and not to worry.

They found their cabin and were surprised to find bunk beds, but it didn't matter since they didn't plan on being in the cabin except for sleeping anyway. The couple enjoyed the buffets, visited the islands and went dancing until late at night.

When they returned to their cabin, the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked "Up or down" (referring to the bunk beds). She gave him a quizzical look and then just went nuts kissing him all over etc. They had the best sex they had in years!

The next day they visited the islands, enjoyed the buffets and went dancing until late at night. When they returned to their cabin, the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked "Up or down" (referring to the bunk beds). She gave him a quizzical look and then just went nuts kissing him all over etc. Again, they had the best sex they had in years!

When they returned home, the wife found her hearing aid and everything returned to normal. That night her husband came up behind her in the bedroom, tapped her on the shoulder and asked "Up or down" with a smile on his face. The wife turned around with a quizzical expression and asked him what he was talking about. He said "Remember when we were in the cabin? I would ask you up or down and you went nuts on me! We had the best sex we've had in years! The wife's face turned bright red anger! She said "You bastard! I thought you said "Fuck or Drown"!!!!

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Sex Lives

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It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten.

Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

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The Pope And His Camera

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The Pope decides to go on tour so that he can speak to people all over the world.

He wakes up one morning in his hotel room with a huge boner. He carefully looks around the whole room to
make sure that nobody is there. After making sure that the room is clear, he begins to jerk off, but after a while
a reporter bursts into his room and snaps his picture.

The Pope says, "Please sir, you can't publish this picture -- I'll be ruined! I'll tell you what, I'll give you
two thousand dollars for your camera with that film in it."

"OK," the reporter says.

Later that day, while touring the city and taking pictures with his new camera, the Pope starts talking to a local
priest. The priest compliments him on his new camera and asks what he paid for it.

"Two thousand dollars," the Pope replies.

"Two thousand dollars!", gasps the priest, "Man, they must have seen you coming!"

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Bear Hunting!

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A guy from the city wanted to go bear hunting. So he goes to the local sports store, buys a HUGE gun, a box of ammunition, all the redneck "I'm a Nasty Hunter" type gear and heads into the wilderness.

Now it isn't long until he comes across a Huge old Bear fishing in a river. He slowly and carefully takes aim and (closing his eyes) fires. When the smoke had cleared all he could see was a smoldering hole in the ground and no bear.

So he stood up and before he could turn around a large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned him around and gazed into his eyes. Finally he rumbled... "Were you shootin' at me boy?"

"Ummm, I guess so!" stammered the Hunter.

"Well, "Rumbled the bear, ominously sharpening his already razor sharp claws. "For that I should slash you open, scoop up your guts as they pour out, tear off your head and force the bloodied tubes down your throat..." "... but 'cause you're new, I'll let you go if you'll get down on your knees and make an old bear very happy!"

Well the hunter doesn't really like the idea of giving a bear a blow job, but it preferable to being killed in a rather graphic way so he gets down on his knees and does as he's bid. The Bear sighs and, with a satisfied grin, wanders off.

After trying to get the taste out. the hunter, by now a little miffed, picks up his gun and looks for a new target. After all, he has primordial urges to fulfill and a now savaged ego.

After a while, he comes across the same Huge Bear, this time asleep against a rock, and decides to casually blow his head off. The hunter takes careful aim, steadying against a tree, and fires. After the smoke had cleared he could make out the shape of a mound of blackened gravel, but again, not even a tuft of bear fur.

He stands up and before he can turn around a large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned him around and again gazed into his eyes. Finally he rumbled... "Were you shootin' at me again boy"

"Ummm, I guess... err maybe " stammered the Hunter.

"Well, "Rumbled the bear, ominously sharpening his already clinically sharp claws "For that I should rip your knees out, tear your genitals off, stuff them up your nose, tear you in half and thrust your still beating heart up your rear, and don't get me wrong I'll do it...." "... but, well, you're really a pathetic excuse for a hunter, so I'll give you a choice. I can either rip you slowly to pieces, or you can drop those strides, bend over that log, and make an old bear very happy."

The hunter umms and ahhhs until the bear playfully tears the side out of a tree with a negligent swipe, and drops his trousers, bends over the log and... well the rest I'll leave to your imagination.

Afterwards the bear wanders off in search of a cigarette. When the hunter can finally stand and walk, the fear wore off and the determined hunter reloaded with hollow-points, put a grenade launcher under the barrel, and set off in search of the bear.

Not much time passed until he again comes across the same HUGE Bear, scratching his back against a tree. This time he makes sure the gun is steady, primes the grenade launcher, turns on the laser sighting, slowly breathes out and fires... after the sixth box of grenades and several rather noisy minutes the firing stopped and the smoke cleared, there were lots of dead, smoking trees, shattered rocks, burning shrubs, holes everywhere but, no bear remains. Not that the hunter was seriously expecting any this time but it would have been comforting none the less!

He stands up and before he can turn around a familiar large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned himaround, gazed into his eyes, sighed and shook his head. Finally he rumbled... "You ain't up here for the hunting are you boy..."

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120 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

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1. "If you love me, you'll swallow that!" has real meaning with chocolate.
2. A chocolate a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
3. A chocolate doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
4. A chocolate doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
5. A chocolate doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
6. A chocolate doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray.
7. A chocolate isn't allergic to your cat.
8. A chocolate never forgets to tell you they liked you better with long hair.
9. A chocolate never has to call "the wife."
10. A chocolate never snaps your bra, pinches your butt or gives you a nuggy.
11. A chocolate never suffers from performance anxiety.
12. A chocolate never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
13. A chocolate never wants to improve your mind.
14. A chocolate will always respect you in the morning.
15. A chocolate will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey."...
16. ...and then come home smelling like another woman.
17. A chocolate will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
18. A chocolate will never leave you for another chocolate.
19. A chocolate will never leave you for another man.
20. A chocolate will never leave you for another woman.
21. A chocolate will never make a scene because there are other chocolates in the refrigerator.
22. A chocolate won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
23. A chocolate won't ask: "Am I the first!"
24. A chocolate won't care what time of the month it is.
25. A chocolate won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.
26. A chocolate won't eat all the popcorn...
27. ... or send you out for Milk Duds.
28. A chocolate won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
29. A chocolate won't give it up for lent.
30. A chocolate won't give you a hickey.
31. A chocolate won't insist the little chocolates be raised Catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
32. A chocolate won't leave town on New Year's eve.
33. A chocolate won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
34. A chocolate won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes.
35. A chocolate won't pout if you have a headache.
36. A chocolate won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
37. A chocolate won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
38. A chocolate won't want to join your support group.
39. A chocolate won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
40. A chocolate won't work your crossword with ink.
41. Afterwards, A chocolate won't want to call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist.
42. Afterwards, A chocolate won't want to say, "I'll call you a cab."
43. Afterwards, A chocolate won't want to shake hands and be friends.
44. Afterwards, A chocolate won't want to take you to confession.
45. Afterwards, A chocolate won't want to tell you he's not the marrying kind.
46. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
47. Chocolate can always wait until you get home.
48. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
49. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
50. Chocolate won't tell you size doesn't count.
51. Chocolates aren't into meaningful conversations.
52. Chocolates aren't into rope or leather.
53. Chocolates aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, or hair dresser.
54. Chocolates can get away any weekend.
55. Chocolates can handle rejection.
56. Chocolates can stay up all night...
57. ...and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
58. Chocolates don't care if you are a virgin.
59. Chocolates don't care if you make more money than they do.
60. Chocolates don't get too excited.
61. Chocolates don't have sex hang ups.
62. Chocolates don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
63. Chocolates don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 64. Chocolates don't leave you wondering for a month.
65. Chocolates don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
66. Chocolates don't say "Lets keep trying until we have a boy."
67. Chocolates never answer your phone or borrow your car.
68. Chocolates never expect you to have little chocolates.
69. Chocolates never have mid-life crises.
70. Chocolates never need a round of applause.
71. Chocolates never tell you what they did on R&R.
72. Chocolates never want to take you home to Mom.
73. Chocolates stay hard for a week.
74. Chocolates won't ask about your last lover...
75. ...or speculate about your next one.
76. Chocolates won't go through your medicine chest.
77. Chocolates won't go to bed with boots on.
78. Chocolates won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
79. Chocolates won't make you go to the drugstore.
80. Chocolates won't make you wear kinky clothes.
81. Chocolates won't tell anyone your not a virgin anymore.
82. Chocolates won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
83. Chocolates won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
84. Good chocolate is easy to find.
85. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
86. Illness by chocolate is usually short-term and is definitely curable.
87. It's easy to drop a chocolate.
88. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh chocolate.
89. The average piece of chocolate is at least six inches long.
90. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
91. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names.
92. When you have chocolate, it never keeps your neighbors awake.
93. With a chocolate you can get a single room...
94. ...and you won't have to check in as "MRS. Chocolate".
95. With a chocolate, you never have to say you're sorry.
96. With chocolate size doesn't matter - its always good.
97. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
98. With chocolates, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
99. With chocolates, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season.
100. You always know where your chocolate has been.
101. You can always have chocolate - even in front of your mother.
102. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
103. You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket...
104. ...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
105. You can GET chocolate
106. You can go to the movie with a chocolate...
107. ...and see the movie.
108. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
109. You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
110. You can have chocolate at every time of the month.
111. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
112. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
113. You can never be too young or too old for chocolate.
114. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
115. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
116. You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your chocolate.
117. You only eat chocolates when you feel like it.
118. You won't find out later that your chocolate is married.
119. You won't find out later that your chocolate is on penicillin.
120. You won't find out later that your chocolate likes you, but loves your brother.

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Boss And The Secretary

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Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

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Sun Dials

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One day in the old west, a rancher was riding along the fence of his ranch, checking the fence.

After a while, he came across an Indian, lying in the dirt, completely naked, and with a huge erection.

The rancher said, "What the hell are you doing?"

The Indian said, "I'm telling what time it is." Then he looked at the shadow cast by his penis and said, "It's one o'clock."

The rancher kept on riding, and after about an hour, he came across another Indian, lying in the dirt, completely naked, and with a huge erection.

The rancher said, "Are you telling what time it is, too?"

The Indian said, "Sure am." Then he looked at the shadow cast by his penis and said, "It's two o'clock."

The rancher rode on for another hour, until he came to a third Indian, lying in the dirt, completely naked, and masturbating vigorously.

The rancher said, "Those other two Indians were telling time. Why the hell are you whacking off like that?"

The Indian said, "I'm winding my watch."

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How To Kill An EEL

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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day, he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed too have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went courting on anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.

After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

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Banana Loaf

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2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief.

Bread is done when banana is soft.

Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

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Vending Machine?

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Two guys are in a hot tub at a hotel and they are skinny dipping. Suddenly one gets very hungry and decides to run out to the hall to get a candy bar. He runs to the vending machines and buys 2 candy bars.

Just then, 3 nuns come walking down the hall. The man doesn't know what to do. He is naked and the door to the pool is too far away. He stands next to the vending machines and pretends he is one too. The nuns walk up to the vending machines, hungry also.

They are not hungry for the usual junk and see the 'new' machine. Nun #1 walks up to the man, sticks 2 quarters up his ass and pulls his dick. He then drops a candy bar into her hand. Nun #2 walks up to the man, sticks two quarters up his ass and pulls his dick. He then drops a candy bar into her hand. Nun #3 walks up to the man, sticks 2 quarters up his ass, pulls his dick, and since he only had 2 candy bars, nothing happens.

The nun gets all pissed off. She starts cussing and pulling on his dick... just yanking it back and forth. After a while she stops, looks at her hands and says, "Oh look ladies, Hand Lotion!"

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Under Age

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A man checks into a hotel with a young lady of questionable maturity, and they go up to a room.

A few minutes later, concerned about the reputation of the hotel, the house detective rushes up to the room and breaks in.

He finds the young lady in a sheer negligee. She lies seductively on the bed, looking as tempting as Eve in Eden.
The man, however, sits fully clothed on the couch and reads a magazine.

The house detective says, "Is she eighteen?"

Licking his chops, the man looks at his watch and slowly says, "In seven and a half minutes!"

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Top Ten things men should NOT say in Victoria Secret

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10) Does this come in children sizes?
9) No thanks. Just sniffing.
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) Mom will love this.
6) Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy logo on it?
5) No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4) Will you model this for me??
3) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2) 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED up anyway!!
1) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

10) All the equipment is already paid for.
9) You can make a pass without having the puck.
8) It's even better if you go into overtime.
7) The score can be tied, and yet you've still won.
6) You don't have to be on ice to play.
5) There's no one to yell "He shoots, he scores".
4) You don't freeze your butt off when you are playing.
3) No penalty for holding.
2) Replays are something to look forward to.
1) You don't have to be a pro to be really good.

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Sex Quiz

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Instructions:

For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. (Answers at end of quiz.)

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.


Answers:

1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9.chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12. arrow 13. attorney

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The Fly

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There was a fly flying over the lake. In the lake was a Big Fish. The fish thought to himself if the fly would just drop 6 inches I can get him.

On the shore was a big bear. The bear thought to himself if the fly would drop 6 inches the fish will jump and get the fly and I can get the fish.

Behind the bear was a hunter. The hunter thought to himself if the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would jump and get the fly, the bear would jump and get the fish, and I can shoot the bear.

Behind the bear was a raccoon. The raccoon thought to himself if the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would jump and get the fly, the bear would jump and get the fish, the hunter who was eating a sandwich would have to drop the sandwich to shoot the bear, and I can get the sandwich.

Behind the raccoon was a mountain lion. The mountain lion thought to himself if the fly would drop 6 inches the fish would jump and get the fly, the bear would jump and get the fish, the hunter would drop his sandwich and shoot the bear, the raccoon would jump and get the sandwich, and I can get the raccoon.

Then the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped and got the fly, the bear jumped and got the fish, the hunter dropped the sandwich and shot the bear, the raccoon jumped and got the sandwich, the mountain lion jumped and missed the raccoon and landed in the lake.

THE MORAL TO THE STORY: WHEN THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES PUSSY IS GOING TO GET WET!

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Good, Bad, and Worse

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Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theater..
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex Ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

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Motorcycle With Bad Seal

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Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

 

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 thanks to Auguste Rodin for his beautiful "The Kiss" sculpture